My Recovery

Life truly is busy today

2011-12-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

i am a horrible blogger!! i am going to give you all the excuses in the book, and the fact is they are true!!

ok so we went to see Santa Claus!! That was very important, now I have to find a Pop the Pig game and no idea where to look! Then we reserved the hall for the wedding, ordered the invitations, my sister got her matron of honor dress, haley got strep, now gillian has strep, girl scouts is friday, the beans birthday is on Thursday her party is on Saturday, still havent wrapped one single present, Have to make a calendar for girlscouts, worked on artwork for a new years t-shirt, got a petition going and started to keep my nephews school open.

got the office functional that took a whole saturday, then got the spare room functional that took 2 days!! We had a party for Christmas, need to reschedule Wes appointment for tuxedo rental. Did some more online shopping.

Now i need to deliver a medications list i created for a sponsee, pick up party decorations for the birthday party, bake cookies and cupcakes for this party, send out christmas cards, wrap birthday presents and christmas presents, deliver the petitions, finish my wedding invitations, they are the do it yourself kind, figure out what kind of flowers i want to make a bouqet, send out the invites, order Wes's tux, i don't think he wants to wear one but i am going to be a bridezilla on this one. hit some meetings, a new years dance, have a bridal shower, oh and keep up this blog. i know there is something i forgot, but i have to go, i feel like a 'human-doing' instead of a 'human-being'. so i need to slow down.

if i slow down this afternoon i will sit here and try to read up on some of you all!! oh and i have to share this

the other day Wes was home from work and he was on the couch reading the newspaper, the bean was sitting next to him with part of the newspaper she was reading (upside down) while she hummed 'it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas'. i sat there and stared with delight and what a wonderful picture it was... i just love this time of year... Q

ok so its been more than 3 days...sorry

2011-12-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

life is moving so fast!! wedding plans are coming in my bridesmaid and maid of honor have finally bought their dresses!! my fiance is getting fitted for a tuxedo!! we have ordered the invitations and going to reserve the place thursday!!

oh my gosh i think i am finally getting married!!!

i have been planning two birthday parties, haley will be 6 on the 28th and the bean will be 5 on the 15th. so one will be on the 17th and one on the 28th. we are having a get together here on the tenth and my bridal shower is on the 7th of january.

we still need the rings, music and pictures. i had a friend set up for pictures but i don't think they are going to do it same for the music. i am really in a bind because i want pictures really badly and don't have the equipment to do it myself, or the funds to hire a professional. as far as the music goes the place is small so we can probable supply our own with someone pushing the buttons.

we are planning christmas dinner and still have some last minute shopping to take care of, i would like a sugar free fudge recipe that actually works and doesn't break the bank, sf marshmallow cream is 12 bucks plus shipping... anyway hope this finds you well have to look up tuxedo rentals that leaves the thought for the day

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

not sure how to proceed

2011-11-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

i have stopped blogging for several months now. my main reason is my younger sister is stalking my blog to post negative things about me on the internet. she has stopped since i stopped blogging, and i don't go looking for her. i know i shouldn't let myself be bullied off this blog sight but there is so much going on and this journal has been so personal that i just didn't want her reading anything about me.

however i am still getting people commenting and following me and it is a truly humble thing. you guys have meant so much to me over the past couple of years and i ran away. but then again that is an addicts m.o. our motto is F.E.A.R. (fudge everything and run) in recovery though we are taught new acronym for F.E.A.R. and that is Face Everything And Recover.

life has changed so much for me in these last 6 years, I have a beautiful family, a magnificent home, a wonderful partner and a feeling of overwhelming peace i never thought was possible. there is still more though, more to come and more to face. today i am full of hope, it is my favorite time of the year, the season started off with a bang, literally. Wes got a pellet rifle for his birthday.

My trees are up and my halls are decked, hit the black friday thing, no walmart, yay. kids are growing fabulously. we just got a new front load washer and dryer, they rock!! samsung. our new 50 inch television for the downstairs family room will be arriving on thursday. black friday shopping is a blast i tell ya! i guess what i am trying to say here is i will be making a conscious effort to post at least 3x's a week. will try to load some pictures of my little patch of heaven soon. and thank you so much for not giving up on me.

hope you all have a marvelous day, i will try to catch up on blog posts this afternoon...

me

today's thought:"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."--Raymond Lindquist

it's been a while, just some giggles

2011-07-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

these are too funny not to pass along; notes from the edge of the world....

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the Arc wasn't leaving until 5.

Sincerely,

the Unicorns

~~~~

Dear Twilight Fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead they have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

~~~~

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

~~~~

Dear America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

~~~~

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

~~~~

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

~~~~

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

~~~~

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring around it.

Sincerely,

God

~~~~

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,

Stevie Wonder

~~~~

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

~~~~

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

~~~~

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely,

United States

~~~~

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,

Parents Everywhere

~~~~

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely,

Superman

~~~~

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

~~~~

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

~~~~

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

~~~~

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

~~~~

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

~~~~

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

~~~~

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Thanks for sticking around everyone, will post more after move to new home on August 5!!

friday post

2011-05-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

my body aches from head to toe my fingers are blistered from heat gun my house looks like an abandoned shack 4 days and three helpers sure make a difference. stripping off paint from such an old house causes me pain and hours of doubt that this will never be complete. soon this chore will be finished though and my prize is my dream house waiting for us. inspection is rescheduled and the sellers have been warned.

i have help all weekend and then on Wednesday and Thursday my sister is coming her husband is such a big help, even my baby brother tried to help out. my honey has been working all week and was worried, we would not get much done. i should say he was worried i would not get much done. been out every morning at 9 in the am, just got in and realized i missed flash fiction Friday again. sorry g!! gonna have to wait until the move is complete.

i realize there are people who are obsessed with what i write and will twist every single thing i say. yes i am still having issues with family. well i may not be able to stop them from reading my posts, and i am also not going to allow them to run me out of my blog. i have been worried about posting anything with such rage and anger aimed at me. what can i say, being me has created a lot of enemies in my life. and while they may obsess and continue to spew hate at me via the internet, i just don't need to read what they say. i am committing myself to avoid said cyberspaces to save what little sanity i have managed to create in my insane brain.

i am just exhausted. my back is spasming right now, i think i need a heating pad...

that just leaves me with today's thought; "What worries you, masters you."- Haddon W. Robinson

morning update

2011-05-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

well i have been excused from jury duty. hooray. it rained some last night, we were blessed not to see any tornados. oklahoma got hit and so did my friends in larned kansas. there were a few tornado's last night. so i guess i was supposed to be home with my girls instead of at an inspection. they were pretty scared. it is gloomy out today, i will make some oatmeal and have some coffee and wait for my helpers. we will start stripping the paint again today. We were out there after dark last night. when the rain stopped we started.

not much else to talk about. i did not got to the regional business meeting last month, i am glad to have missed it we put an offer on our new home that weekend. i was finished with my work there and they didn't want my humble opinions anyway. i need to figure out how to sell this avon. not doing so well with it.

i think sometimes i am not cut out for such things as retail sales. then other days i can do really well with it. some of the tactics these women are telling us to do are just not for me. i would like to get into presidents club, however i don't think i am willing to sell to people who are not really interested. i have this one gal for instance, she decided to order some perfume, now she won;t call me back. so i can't deliver yet i still owe for the product and it is going to cost me to send it back. sell i am going to send it back. and give her number to my sister. if she wants to order then that happens to be a product my sister actually keeps in stock, i don't have stock i did not start selling to spend money, i am trying to make money. now i have a couple of customers who order and then when i tell them the orders are in they come here and pay me, no driving around trying to find them, using up my gas, and it works out well. if i find a few more like that it would be fun to sell avon.

heading to get some fresh coffee and check on my peeps. gotta call some different inspectors and get my realtor on the line and set up another inspection this week. i am not waiting until the last minute to get this done.
todays thought; "One can't have wisdom without living life."- Kianoush

inspection update

2011-05-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

my inspection got cancelled apparently nobody contacted the seller to schedule this. she would not let the inspector in the house. i don't get it, we have 10 days after signing the contract, which we did last week on the 17th. am i supposed to contact this lady? i thought that was the realtor's job. i mean really we scheduled this last week i did it myself. i was told we were good to go. now my agent is saying next week. well i don't have until next week i am contacting a new inspector and she can send an alternate if she is busy. i am pissed off right now.

we are stripping paint off the house now. he is out there, the storm passed and he went back out to strip more paint. i am watching 4 kids in the house right now and i feel completely useless. will post picks as soon as we get in the house for inspection.

gotta call in to jury duty now and see what else i need to do to complete my civil duty.

tuesday, some honest ramblings

2011-05-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

well i talked with my auntie yesterday. it was good to laugh with her. she was my mothers best friend. we both miss her very much. we discussed what my sister said about her and both of us had a laugh. we also discussed what she said about me, in her little blog she called me a 'crack-whore' and said that i was a bad person who couldn't stand the truth. well if you have been following me long you know the truth is pretty much what i stand for.

so i told her if she was going to say things about me she needed to get it right. first off i was never a crack- whore. i hated crack that was the one drug i couldn't stand i shot up meth. second, i never sold my body for dope, i robbed retail stores. so if your going to say anything about this little recovering addict please, get it right. and by the way i have paid my restitution and my last time getting high was january 7, 2005. january 8 is my clean date. currently i am on step 9 and yes i need a meeting. i am in intensive therapy and working on myself very well.

some of the things this girl said was that i am a bad mother and that i owe her thousands of dollars. i don't owe her anything. she tried to blackmail me about two years ago to give her money because she was being kicked out of her apartment. then she drove to california where she proceeded to bleed my auntie dry. she brought her children and lived off her for a month. my auntie had to have her move. she owes my auntie money and left town whithout saying anything, now that my auntie has cut her off of money she has turned on her has well.

it is really sad how she lies about everyone in our family. she gets a little bit of the truth and twists up the rest so she can get people to think she is a victim. we all were victims growing up in that house, really. we all survived somehow. i know my sister is angry and now she has burned bridges. my auntie begged me not to tell her of my new big house or she would she up at my doorstep. i said no way would i let her in the house. her m.o. is to claim so and so tried to rape her and we let them. i say 'so and so' because if you ask her everyone tried so far and you know cause she is such a catch. i am a rape survivor and look down upon women who use it as a weapon. my sister is one of those who does this and if i ever let her in my house she would say my man tried to rape her. the only reason she hasn't said that now is because they have never met. so she simply said he is an asshole.

in any case i am back to blogging this is my realm, i have my peeps who have seen me post in bpd mode and come out of it. yes i said it and i have been diagnonsensed with 'borderline personality disorder'. there i said it. and i am proud to say i am not on medication and the intensive group and dialectical therapy seem to work wonders. i really am grateful for it. i am sure my older sister has it, and my little brother may have been misdiagnosed with bi polar because i think his is more borderline. the difference between bi-polar and borderline is that bi-polar cycles last weeks even months, borderline hit fast and hard last for a few hours or a day and then you come out of it and feel better, sort of. i always feel bad that it happened.

i am ok with my self today. my brother and sister, the ones here in the same state as myself, no matter how much we get angry, we are always here for each other. it is like we have an understanding that we all grew up in hell together and this is the by product and we try to be here for each other as best we can. my little sister i swear has sociopath tendencies. it scares me how different her sickness is. i hope she finds good things but i will not let her near my children without an apology to my aunt, myself and my siblings. she has said terrible things about my parents and that is fine, i know they did the best they could, but seriously they should have done better, also she needs to show some kind of proof that she is in serious therapy to deal with her issues. i am not trying to be judgemental but i have seen and read what she has posted and the lies are dangerous and i need to protect my family. my little ones are not going to continue the cycle. i model good behavior and they are amazing because of it. i don't need to add dangerous elements in their life today. that is what happened to us as kids my folks allowed bad people in and they ignored the truth.

we have inspection on our house today. i will take pictures to post so you can see how wonderful this home is!! we have people helping us strip the paint off this house so we can get it sold. hopefully the outside will be painted before closing in June.

oh and i called into jury duty, i am a stand by juror and they said to call back after 5pm, so i did that last night and thery told me to call again today after 5pm. i swear this reminds me of when i first got clean and i had to call my P.O. for random pee tests. has anyone else pulled jury duty? is it like this everywhere? it kind of sucks. ok i gotta make some coffee so i can catch up on everyone out there. hey g-man just got your comment!! i miss you too!!!

todays thought; "When we fall on the ground it hurts us, but we also need to rely on the ground to get back up."- Kathleen McDonald

I am here

2011-05-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

Gosh it has been over a month. So much has happened. I have decided to continue blogging. Before I go on I must say I blocked someone from seeing my blog. While I do not believe in censorship, I do believe in keeping my sanity.

To me it is like shutting off Fox news. I don't watch that channel. Drives me crazy how those people perpetuate lies about the nation to get their republican goals met. Like when they wanted the president to be deemed un-American, the birther crap. Well no matter how much you say it isn't true, the fact remains he was born in the United States, your lies can't change that. So instead of arguing with a television set, or bringing up these inane controversies, like the teachers union making too much money at 56,000 per year (by the way the teachers in my state barely clear 24,000), when 6 months ago these same people were spewing that those who made over 250,000 were in poverty so we would extend the bush tax cuts is a complete lie. Just thinking about it gets me stirred up, so I simply don't watch it and I try not to engage. I am aware though.

The same goes for the person I blocked. They are family and insane and spewing insane lies and backpedaling. When she saw that I deleted myself as a follower she chose to lash out against me. I am simply not wanting to watch her spew lies and put herself into this self made isolating prison. She has said lies about my whole family and that is simply what her life has brought her to. She knows nothing of me and my family yet she tried to blackmail me into sending her money, then lied to my niece about never doing that. She lies so much that she wouldn't know the truth even if it fell out of the sky landed on her face and wiggled. I do not wish her harm I wish her well. She has no financial future, and now has completely burned every bridge in the family. Reading her lies makes me as mad as watching Fox news. Just because she wrote it does not make it true. Yet it makes me just as angry and I don't need anger in my life today. So to protect myself I need to distance myself and allow her to do what she feels is best for herself. Nothing I can say will change her she has to find her own way in life and now she has to do it alone.

As for wes, I can't really talk about it, my brother posted his full name on facebook, he meant well but it was not good, as he said my honey has 'acute leukemia' and he does not have that, that kind is a death sentence. But to post stuff like that on the internet, particularly facebook, where potential employers look people up could deem him unemployable. Even though that is illegal we all know it goes on. The good news is he is not dying.

Even better we bought a house!! 2500 square feet of heaven!! it is so beautiful. We close on June 24th. We have been super busy packing and getting this home ready to sell. I will continue to keep you posted and try to play on Friday. Group therapy ends on Thursday it is my last session with the group and I am sad. I have had a wonderful time learning about this disease I have and working with these people who struggle much the same way I do.

By the way I received a summons in the mail, I m a 'stand by juror'. Don't know what that means but I have to call in a couple of hours to see if I have to report. So I need some breakfast and a shower, working on the house all day yesterday got me sun burnt and stinky!! I think it would be cool to be a juror. a decider of fate. plus I am nosy!!

OK well I am going to make some wonderful fresh roasted Costa Rica coffee and catch up on my peeps. Thanks for sticking around!!

Today's thought; "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman

holding my breathe

2011-04-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

ever notice sometimes, when life is going on how you suddenly think 'hey this ain't so bad'. you get that special moment of clarity and all seems right with the world. i am not thinking that all my issues are gone, i am just thinking all is right, as it should be. i think that is called gratitude.

and yet sometimes i get crippled with fear, anxiety that something is wrong. something with someone i love, usually my children, and my head gets crazy. i stop and pick up the phone. 99% of the time the first number i call is wes. i call him first he is my best friend , my biggest cheerleader and strongest support. i love him like no other. sometimes i call my sponsor, usually when wes doesn't answer because he is in a meeting.

i took the kids to the zoo today, it was beautiful. and my 'a' had her big dance and we dressed her up and she was so amazing. i took a ton of pictures. i love days like today enjoying the sun and walking. i got some great pictures of the tigers up close. i think they were eyeballing my haley for lunch, however there was a glass partition so they could not get her. she adored them too. though not in the same way...

this weeks therapy was very appropriate. Distress Tolerance. Practicing distraction from a situation that is hijacking your day. not something to be done on a regular basis, just until the crisis passes so you can look at it with a clear head.

wes told me on thursday that the doctors office called and left a message for him to call them back. i told him it was probably nothing. after therapy wes called me and told me there was something in his blood and it could be nothing but they were sending him to a specialist to make sure. he said he had to prod the doctor to find out what it was because he would have gone into a tailspin thinking he was dying if the doctor didn't tell him what he thought.

the doctor told him it could be nothing, but it could be the beginning stages of leukemia. we see the specialist on thursday. we really don't know anything. it could be nothing...

tomorrow we are going to the circus, got free tickets from the school. it could be nothing...

i suppose there are a lot of reasons not to post this, however i missed friday, sorry, i was distracted. this is my place a place where i feel safe and yet there are those who care just enough about me to only be nosy. do i let them in, do i block them as followers. i don't believe in censorship. this is my blog. my place and i can delete any comment even if it comes from a family member. wes supports my blog and he loves me and i know nothing i post will offend him.

yet here i am justifying my actions. am i crazy? maybe i am just scared and i don't want to feel alone. i don't want this to be real. maybe i think the internet is not real. maybe i am using it as my god box today. my heart is pounding out of my chest and it feels like i can't breathe. he will be home soon and i can't wait to see him. maybe i am just stalling. procrastinating. it feels like i am holding my breathe, it could be nothing...

todays thought: "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."- randy pausch

why am i here.. a meme from lime

2011-04-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

i am here because my mother met my father in a bar after her husband died.
i am here because my father was a good dancer and could swing a lady.

I'm here because my mother didn't care what her family thought of my father
or maybe she did and maybe i m here in spite of it.

i am here because i ran away from home. i ran so far i thought i would never go back.
I'm here because i met a man who said he would love me, but only hit me.
I'm here because i needed a place to go that was safe, where he couldn't hurt me, so
i looked for a safe place to hide and found a dark and scary place.

I'm here because i liked getting high. i used to hide in that dark space to get
high and i would forget why i was here.
I'm here because i didn't want to feel the pain so i pushed the needle deeper.

I'm here because the paramedic decided to get up that day and go to work and answer
a call for an unresponsive person. i tried to hide way deep in the dark place and i didn't want
to come back.
I'm here because the policeman decided to respond to a call of someone stealing
and using fake identification. i didn't want them to know who i was.

I'm here because there was a baby growing in my tummy and she needed a mommy.
and maybe i needed her.

I'm here because a man decided to love me, even though i couldn't love myself.
I'm here because he stood by me and took care of me when i was not able to take
care of myself.

I'm here today because i choose to be and i can decide that all by myself.

here you go lime. i am not a very good poet, it doesn't rhyme but it does start with me being here. i think that is what i was supposed to do. anyway check out lime's hers is much better!!

flash fiction Friday- grammar

2011-04-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words

no more no less and then report it to the g-man!!!

"Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages &
email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Capitalization is the
difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your
uncle jack off a horse."

here ya go g-man!! a little late but i needed a grammar check as i don't like to capitalize, he,he ,he... this just makes me giggle. i crack myself up sometimes!!

happy birthday to me

2011-04-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

so i am over it, teenagers suck. literally

yesterday i had a wonderful day. my sister spoiled me rotten taking me to breakfast, buying my children some new tops and taking me to "Cocoa Dolce" the finest chocolate makers in town who have a decadent selection of sugar free truffles.

then my daughter cleaned the garage, a little and raked and swept the backyard, i know 'what's the catch right'. then i grilled some asparagus with balsamic vinegar and fire roaster some tomatoes, mushrooms and zucchini. i grilled some chicken and pork loin ribs with honey teriyaki sauce for dinner and my honey made me some sugar free chocolate mousse for dessert.

then i was given a lot of money and told to spend it on myself!! so i did, i bought myself another gold ring and some boots. and everyone sang to me!! yes getting older is a pretty good thing for me. i was good to myself yesterday and did not indulge in carbs and now i am heading to the gym for some endorphins!!

as for the rest of the day who knows, that leaves me with a brilliant quote for the day: "To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."- Chinese Proverb

HICKIES!!!!!

2011-04-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

EEWWW!!! Oh my god!!!! help please!! my daughter has hickies on her neck!! i swear to god!!! we were gone this weekend to convention and i didn't notice last night, she has been wearing a big sweatshirt all day and when i picked her up from school she turned her head and there they were!!!

big as golf balls!! don't laugh damn it!! it's not funny!! this is my daughter!! 17!! does she need a depo shot?!? i mean what the 456 do i say!! seriously.

ok so hickies. it's like i know where they come from. i know it wasn't a vaccum cleaner!! lipstick cases do not remove them!!

do you remember hiding hickies from your mom? what did she say to you? what did you say to her? were you grounded? should she be grounded? i mean she is 17. i think it's her first? do i really want to know? AAUGGHHH

as long as she is not pregnant. do you ground a kid for hickies? a girl? a 17 year old girl with hickies on her neck.

so when i picked her up from school she turned her head and i saw them, then her friend got into the 'mom taxi' and we started home and i didn't say anything. then we saw her 'boyfriend' walking and she asked if we could pick him up. i thought of saying 'not if that little fu$$#$ put those marks on your neck.' i thought it, i didn't say it.

i didn't say anything. nothing i am a flipping coward!! i remember hickies!! i know where they come from!! ok i am repeating myself now. i am just going to post and wait for my internet god box to answer me with some words of wisdom!! come on guys, give it to me straight. what do i say. and jr, if you read this i will delete your comment little brother cause i don't need it from you!!

you can stop laughing now....

flash Fiction Friday- a minfulness rant

2011-04-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

Every Friday, write a short story, poem or

prose of 55 words, no more, no less then report it to the G-Man!!

"ever watched the sunrise in a purple sky

or counted raindrops to let the time pass by

ever centered your thoughts on just one thing

being mindful for a moment and letting your soul sing

as days get filled with the hustle and bustle of everyday

a moment of mindfulness is needed come what may"

Here ya go g-man, it has been a while and i am a little late posting and out of practice. it is good to be blogging again.

had therapy last night and it was amazing. we are working on guidelines for relationship effectiveness skills and guidelines for self- respect effectiveness. this couldn't have come at a better time.

the story i printed that got me censored in the newsletter as the editor has been reprinted in another newsletter and it has some commentary about my censorship committee or as the region likes to call it 'review board'. my sponsor and i have had a riff between us ever since this fellowship assembly, she also likes to tell me how grateful she is i am in therapy working on my issues. the thing is it is very condescending.

now this may will mark my last meeting at the region as newsletter editor, i am also walking away from regional service as we need time to sell this house and get moved. i am terribly concerned however that the voices that reign supreme at region will be very angry about what was printed and there is nothing i can do about it. already i feel attacked. this homework, i need practice, so that i may not get flooded and so that i can get through the meeting without showing my ass.

see i am not sorry the story was printed, it validates me. i am proud of my work and many members, who are not in service expressed gratitude for the story. the problem is, me. i am already on the defense. the solution is this homework.

so i am going to the convention this weekend and not sure what to expect, except of course a date night with my honey. but on the trip there we will practice some of this go over it and write it down, i will post more on this subject next week...

just for giggles i will add my article, the one in question, and your input would be awesome. let me know if i was out of line or if this article makes any sense:

I have been truly honored in being entrusted as the editor of this newsletter. I have read and re-read stories printed in this newsletter and the spiritual rewards have been overwhelming.

I believe it is rewarding not only to read the stories but to also be given the opportunity to share some of my own personal story with you. It has been difficult, to say the least to receive input from members to fill this newsletter. I enjoy making artwork on my computer and have done so on occasion. I have also put in excerpts from the basic text as well as reprinting stories to fill in the space.

In the last issue I made some controversial artwork to fill a page. Of course I did not know it was controversial when I put it in the newsletter. I have been told that members have shared their concerns that this artwork puts NA in a bad light as it is sent all around the world. And I must say to these members, you are correct, this newsletter does get sent all around the world. And I ask you does the artwork in question look worse on Narcotics Anonymous as a whole then printing “Work the Steps or Die MF” the name of a group, in our meeting schedules, which by the way are uploaded on worlds website. As addicts it is in our nature to be controversial, I guess what bothers me most is the implication that it is bad to shed light on a subject as powerful as predatory behavior. If you haven’t guessed by now the artwork in question had the following words on it; “Give the Newcomers a chance, Keep your ___ or ___ in your pants.” The blanks were filled in by pictures and the Chinese characters of a rooster and a cat. I felt I should be all inclusive as we know women can be predators also. Yet I still don’t understand why this is negative.

In every meeting in Narcotics Anonymous all around the world it is stated “the newcomer IS the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.” Let’s think about this statement for a minute, what exactly does it mean? Do we only love them until they can love themselves from a distance? Or do we make a concerned approach after the meeting to talk with the newcomer to give them hope that they too can stay clean? Or do we simply hug them and tell them half heartedly to keep coming back, with no real enthusiasm. Personally, I feel we do not do enough to harness and protect our newer members. We tell them they can be of service by dumping ashtrays. We say things like “I am grateful for newcomers because you remind me of what it is like out there.”

To deny that predatory behavior is an issue in our rooms is wrong. This brings me to a quote I read; “The central defect of evil is not the sin, but the refusal to acknowledge it.”- Dr. Scott P. a non member. Think about it for a minute when we first start to work our steps we say things like “I don’t have resentments” or “I only owe amends to a couple of people” I even heard a member say “Why do I have to look at the past when I already let it go?” but who does it really hurt to deny the truth?

Who does it help to lie? It has been said in this program that you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time. And yet we still don’t talk about it!! We skirt around this issue of SEX!!! It is a real issue, it is a part of our lives and it is something that can be a terrible addiction that runs newcomers right out of the rooms.

And the big issue for me is when I was new I thought that being intimate meant having sex. For a lot of us that was the only thing we knew as a form of love. The members of this fellowship from my Sponsors to those who came before me in service to the still suffering addict all of you taught me that my vagina is not my “God Hole!!” There I said it. Sex, sex, sex. Personally I like sex and I live the NA way of life and believe it or not, that does include having sex. The whole world does it. There is nothing wrong with it when you are spiritually, mentally and physically ready to have sex.

Sometimes I have seen older members approach newer members in a predatory manner. This is wrong. If you are having urges that have nothing to do with love or recovery, then maybe you need to talk to your sponsor before moving forward. If you are trying to hook up with someone with only 30, 60, or 90 days and you have more than a few years, dude call your sponsor.

We love to say in meetings “I lost the desire to use drugs a long time ago” and then go flirt with a newcomer, really. I have seen it and guess what, if this describes your behavior you didn’t lose the desire to use, you changed your drug of choice. I think we need to remember why we are here, read the statement on the cover of this newsletter. Gratitude. I think it is important to protect our newcomers and let them know they are more important to me then worrying about offending anyone.

Thanks for letting me share, thanks for saving my life I will keep coming back. Send me an article for the next printing, something about recovery, NA recovery you could make it about how your life is changed or what service means to you. This is your newsletter and it is your stories that make it great. Be good to each other and remember that no matter what happens, you never have to use again.

In loving Service,

Suzie E.- Editor

one of their major complaints was the word vagina and that i put 'newsletter editor' on it. now it is reprinted with 'newsletter editor and some colorful commentary about how censorship is bad and good for me for standing up for my values. this newsletter is frowned upon by NA world services it is called the purist newsletter and if world doesn't like it well our region won't, so why do members get copies of this? they think they need to be watchdogs of renegade NA groups. yeah i'm in trouble...

ok well i gotta get packing for this weekend. thanks for reading!!

what's in your 'God box'?

2011-03-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

one of my comments the other day was the question "What's a 'God Box'?" when i read my censored article to my therapist he asked me "What's a 'God Hole'?" these questions are easy enough to answer, especially if your in the program. It just never dawned on me that people wouldn't know what these were. my apologies, a 'god hole' is that emptiness inside. the emptiness an addict feels everyday and it is that emptiness that creates an obsession and compulsion to fill it with anything from the outside, usually drugs, to make one feel better. it is a spiritual void. a 'God Box' is a tangible mechanism for praying. you can look online and see many religious stores carry beautiful ornate boxes crafted with love and care and usually a big price tag. with this box, you can talk with your higher power, if you choose to call Him God, Buddha, the Creator, or even Bob. In my fellowship i am taught that the God of my understanding can be anything i choose the only suggestion is that He be loving and caring.

i am not a religious person, in fact I am a recovering catholic. if i were to say i was still a catholic today i would burn in hell for my sins. that is a terrible outlook for one to have. maybe i will burn, maybe i won't the point is today i have faith, and trust in my higher power. and for that reason today my life is no longer a living hell. my children pray and believe, when he hear sirens go by they know someone is hurt and we stop and pray that who ever it is is OK. Teaching them about the birth of Christ at Christmas time is a lesson in patience, and gratitude. and they understand the seasons reason and the season of giving to others. Now i haven't quite figured out the whole Easter bunny and how that ties into anything, but they love to hunt for candy filled eggs and have lots of friends over to celebrate the coming of spring and bbq-ing with neighbors. like i said i am a recovering catholic, never had my first communion, too expensive, and never finished catechism. couldn't explain easter if i wanted too.

enough of my personal theology back to the question of the God Box. i use one to pray. when i first came into the rooms i didn't have faith, or let me rephrase that, i had faith and i believed there was a god and i believed he hated me and that i was going to burn in hell just like my father, and i hated him right back. so to ask me to pray to something or someone i hated was a huge task.

note to the reader: i know there are kooks out there who read my blog and leave crazy jesus saves comments, trust me i will delete anything too nutty. i don't need or accept any added chaos in my life. i am not religious i am spiritual. i accept myself as i am, don't push your religion on me, especially if you are a member of the westboro baptist church. you will never make it on my page.

anyway, when i started to have faith my sponsor told me i needed a 'God Box' and i didn't know why, she said i could put my pains and fears, write them down on a piece of paper and put them in this box and give them to God. Hmm, what kind of hokey stuff is she talking about? well things started to get real tough for me early in recovery when mom got sick with cancer. she smoked for years some of you remember me blogging about this, lung cancer got the best of her. at that time i had less than 2 years clean and i was full of raw emotions, had a brand new baby and a 1 year old. probably had some ppd as well. it was rough, i loved my mother and i was angry with her and i had to take care of her, and i wanted to take care of her. i just didn't know if i was capable.

so i finally got a 'God Box' but it wasn't as fancy or pretty or decorated as what my sponsor had... this box seemed more fitting...

mom decided to quit smoking before we moved in with Wes, then she got cancer 3 months later. she used these to quit and they worked so i thought i could have faith in this ugly little box, i still use today

it has gotten so full that when i slide papers in one end they come out the other, so i have to open the box, it is a very therapeutic exercise. if you don't already have one, try it. then like a time capsule open it up sometime and see what you have learned to move on from...

this prayer gave me goose bumps that i pulled it out it was dated 2008 and in it i asked God for help to not be angry at my Haley, to have a sense of humor with her so that i can be a better mom. i remember being so filled with blind rage at not being able to control my babies and i knew it was wrong to feel that way, i needed help and still do...

guess what the prayers work, today i don't yell at my children for being children i seek outside help for my behaviors i am not afraid of my emotions today and they don't run my life today. my girls are happy and healthy and so am i. i am grateful for my 'God Box' today, i think i will put that in my box today........ so what's in your 'God Box'?

today's thought: "If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."- Morris West

missed a meeting tonight

2011-03-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

i have been hitting the Monday night 8:30 pretty regularly for the past month. tonight i am going to miss it. i made the sales meeting and brought home my sisters kids so she could go to class, however Wes is on a conference call and i need to be here to watch the amazing 4 kids. no wii tonight just a bath and a movie, Haley is in her super suit and the bean is in her favorite nightie, i feel bad for missing my meeting, i don't want to miss it next week but i will have the kids again and i don't know if Wes will have a meeting on the phone.

after my niece left my house it seems that sanity is being restored. i received word yesterday via email that a member in the region is in end stage liver failure, the doctors gave him less than a year unless he gets a liver transplant. he has double digit clean time and has been married for as many years to the same lady. i have worked with them both for several years. i really can't call them friends. they don't respond to emails, they don't call me up regularly in fact outside of a business meeting i never interact with them. i have tried on a couple of occasions to reach out to her but she never really seemed interested in small talk with me. i used to call her my favorite person to argue with, because she never raises her voice and she always goes back to the traditions. however this past year we have butted heads more than usual and with her husband, the one who is sick, he insulted me and i was very angry with him. we were in a business meeting and i said something about Mexican food and he said 'I love Mexicans everyone should own one!'

in a past life that would have been taken in jest or i would have engaged in some sort of sick bigoted humor. today i don't have any tolerance for those kind of hateful jokes. they are not funny. i don't like racist jokes or anti- gay jokes. i don't tolerate any of it and I don't engage. he is the type of man who is kind of hard you know in the email i read his response to the doctor about the prognoses was 'well it is a product of good living'. he has a tough facade and doesn't really care about such things, he probably meant no harm in it and i know there are hundreds of members he has helped and inspired over the years. i just don't happen to be one of them. i am not one of their inner circle though my sponsor is. and she knows how i feel and i know she loves them dearly. they don't seem to care too much for Wes and myself and well i am not sure how to respond. what to say, is there something i should say. i don't feel anything. not a loss maybe some empathy. a little angry.

for the past year Wes has been on a service committee with this man who has never shown up to any interim meetings and nor has he done any work. When Wes called him on this issue he was chastised for being a jerk. If Wes had known there was something wrong he would have had someone else do the work, if this man had any conscience he would have stepped down from his service position due to illness. Wes was chair of this committee and needed some accountability. now the hostility Wes was met with makes sense. but it doesn't, so what these people martyred themselves? I mean they say they don't want to be treated differently but I don't get it. So they confided in their inner circle who then treated us badly for not treating them differently?

what i do know is this is my last go at the regional business meeting. the old timers there are growing short as we lost one member and now another is sick, they won't have anyone to carry on in service if they keep running everyone out. i can't even call my sponsor on this as the lady is also her sponsee and i doubt she will understand anything i say. i think at the convention next weekend i am going to tell her i need to get another sponsor. i can't speak to any of the women i had in my support group. i feel we have grown apart and do not see eye to eye on anything these days. i don't like being stuck on this issue it is such a struggle and i wish i could have gone to the meeting tonight. i have Thursday after group but i really need to make an effort to get in another meeting this week. i don't even know where to go to a meeting. maybe i will go to Eldorado's tomorrow night.

i guess that leaves me with today's thought; "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."- Victor Hugo

a little bit of therapy

2011-03-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

i am in group therapy now, and i really love it. we are given real world assignments and have to come back the next week with our answers. it is hard work but it is so helpful. i know i haven't gotten one comment from my last post yet as it is only 7 hours old and i haven't stopped by anyone else's blog yet, but this last week at therapy i did not get a chance to share my homework and i worked real hard on it so i wanted to share my progress with you...

so we are working on interpersonal effectiveness and this was a multiple part assignment, the first part was to describe a life worth living, the second part was an inventory of strengths and difficulties in specific areas. so for the first part, which i got to share, this is what i wrote:

A life worth living…

What would that mean to me, a life worth living, I have one now. There are things I would change about myself however that would make it easier to live that life. Knowing what makes me emotionally vulnerable would be essential for a life worth living, then I would have the tools to be less reactive

I would have the skills to handle every day things without anger or acting out with bad behavior. I would still feel my emotions, but I do not want to act out on them. I like being able to feel today.

I would like to have some self worth. I would like to feel valuable. Worthy of the things I have in my life and I would like to have less guilt and shame. I would like to feel content and at peace with my days and my evenings. I would like to feel accomplished.

Anything on the outside would not matter if I didn’t have these things inside. If I could change the things I would like to change about me then I will have the life I’ve always wanted.

the following is the 3rd part of the homework we did not get a chance to go over, it is quite lengthy as i realize i have issues with brevity.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 3 Inventory of strengths and difficulties

1.) Lack of Skill:

I still get defensive when standing up for myself. I feel attacked when I am not. I still get angry at situations that don’t require anger, it is left over emotion from something else. I still take things way too personally, like when my niece is lying to me. I am emotionally vulnerable when it comes to money and finances. I still take it personal when I can’t add everything up right or when I make a mistake in budgeting I get very angry with myself and react badly towards everyone.

Strengths:

I am learning to say what I want and need. I am learning to listen to others and not turn it into an emotional roller coaster. I am learning not to twist what I hear into something it is not. I can ask for help today. I do not need to publically hang people for their actions. I treat people the way I want to be treated and I am not a doormat today.

2.) Worry Thoughts:

· I worry someone will take my kids and do terrible things to them

· I worry about catastrophic events and how it will affect my family

· I have nightmares and sometimes let those thoughts invade my day

· I worry that I am not good enough or loved and that I am a problem

· I worry that I don’t deserve the things in my life because of my past and that it will one day come back to haunt me in the way of taking my babies from me or my fiancé

Strengths:

· I call my sponsor and support women when I am feeling bad and get those bad thoughts out of my head.

· I use a ‘God Box’ to pray

· I do things today that give me a sense of accomplishment.

· I attend 2 meetings a week.

· I work my steps

· I use my handouts to find solutions when my head gets bad.

3.) Emotions:

· I over react when it comes to money, like this stupid treasurers report.

· I am unstable when I first wake up in the morning

· I get scared when situations from my past come up.

· I have trouble watching my teenage niece behave the same way I did, I over react and allow her to get the better of me it throws me off kilter.

· I still have a fear of abandonment

Strengths:

· My children are precious to me and I know today if I don’t appreciate them I will miss out. So I appreciate every waking and sleeping moment with them.

· I love them so much it hurts. I allow them to love me.

· I am learning to be a better parent and I am learning to model better behavior to them.

· I am proud of them and I take pride in caring for them, I don’t complain about the opportunity to clean or cook for them and I love showing them how to help.

· I love that their favorite thing to wear is nothing. They love to take off their clothes. When I was their age I was scared because I was already broken. They are safe and secure and happy. I love protecting that.

· I love that they believe, we have faith. When we get scared we hold each other and it is OK.

· I love getting sad with them and making it better.

4.) Indecision:

· I have trouble setting boundaries with my oldest daughter.

· I struggle with my decisions as a mother, I feel not good enough or that my decision is going to make her hate me.

· I get angry when I ask her something and she refuses to answer or engage in conversation. I don’t know how to proceed with discipline, I feel like whichever way I decide it is wrong.

Strength:

· I listen to the wisdom of others when making decisions.

· I validate myself with her by telling her I love her.

· I allow her to see my fear and struggle with my decision, and I tell her why I made my decision in a loving and caring manner.

· I don’t give in to her manipulations.

· I walk away when I am indecisive to give myself a change to regroup and decide.

· I put my fears in my ‘God Box’

5.) Environment:

· Other people believe their own lies. (my niece)

· She is threatened and reacts with manipulation and ego to throw me off balance

· She won’t sit and talk about her part instead would rather martyr herself in a way that is harmful as an attempt to get me to chase her.

Strengths:

· Tough love

· Apologize for raising my voice and still stand my ground

· Let her leave and take the house key back

· Restore sanity in my house

· Pray she makes better decisions for her life and let her go

well this is me and what i am working on i am grateful that i have not needed medication for

my issues. i am grateful i can take a cold hard look at myself and work

on the weaknesses that i need to work

on to become a better person.

i am grateful for all the people in my life today. thanks again for sticking around...

todays thought: "Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong;

sometimes it's letting go."- Sylvia Robinson

a whole month has passed by...

2011-03-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

where does the time go, so much to do not enough time in the day to blog, even comment or catch up lets see how well i can try in the time i am cooking dinner...

usfa happened, i was treasurer, secretary, registration, arts and graphics, po box. crap did i need help!! there were only eight of us helping put this thing together. we had 72 pre registered, we planned on 100 people showing up. we ended up with 216. crazy weekend and then some. met some great people in the program some great keepers of our history and some new faces wanting to help. i just finished the minutes, i was in charge of the first half and another gal, who is the official secretary, was in charge of the second half, mind you we had the whole 3 days to cover i only took notes for friday night and saturday day and could not keep up with registration and raffle and notes. so we decided since it was being recorded that we could stop taking notes, WRONG in all there were only 13 hours of recording my notes covered way more than the recorder did!! So after 3 week we finally got the minutes done, now i have the registration forms to finish tabulating in.

oh did i mention i am selling avon. yeah they give scholrships to representatives and their children and grandchildren!! KU is expensive and meal plans are like 3000!! dont even think about how much the dorms are!! we still dont know if she is getting into the military, they havent got back with the medical files yet she may be medically incapable of going. oh and i forgot she is talking with her bio-dad now. yeah i think i mentioned it. i am doing better with it.

therapy is going well and my oldest is doing well with her therapy. there is some sanity back in our house my teenage niece is no longer here. i stood my ground with her and her game did not last long here, she refused to try to mend the relationship with her mother, she refused to admit she has ever done anything wrong in her life, she is a victim and a runner and i was sad and glad to see her go my relationship with a is improving greatly.

oh since i started writing this, my sister locked her keys in her car so i called aaa for assistance then went over there to help her get out or into her car then took the kids back here and did i mention i caved and we got a wii today. yes it is now 11 in the pm and the children just went to bed, they were a bit excited to say the least.

does anyone else feel like it is the apocalypse right now? i mean the horrific earthquake/tsunami that hit japan, the nuclear crisis, the not wars in lybia, i mean my god did we just bomb another country? dont get me wrong i was so proud when the citizens started their uprising in tunsinia and then won their freedom in egypt and then the lybians and i was like a big cheerleader screaming yeah, yeah and then like we bombed them. i mean like why, i ask you are the people in darfur less needy? what about south korea, i mean they were bombed completely unprovoked, twice and we said to the north...' tsk tsk now dont be so provacative' and we told the south dont get upset it was a misunderstanding now. seriously i am not stupid. if we are going to make a statement to stand up to dictators there are other countries we certainly could have helped out and maybe even won the day, quickly, before this.

liz taylor, geraldine ferraro, women of great stature and whom i highly admired are now gone. i will be 38 years old on april 5. i have a grey streak in the front of my head. i mean it is a streak of hair! well i am babbling now, hopefully i can write again soon and maybe catch up on all you guys, it gets kind of lonely in the real world these days...

take care of each other and yourselves thanks so much for sticking around, i miss you too g-man...

me

just some smiles

2011-03-01T06:49:00.000-08:00

loving dress up at school

this week they did not have school and i don't know why, only one class a week and no one told me it was cancelled. they were very disappointed

classic bean with her tongue out

sisters forever playing in the where ever they may be, this was at the doctors office

this is an old picture of my Haley back when she had curly hair. her smile lights up a room

well it is safe to say my days of being an editor for our region are over. i am officially finished with my last issue. i deleted my facebook account last week due to captain stupid being on there. i have now idea what he and my daughter talk about but she is on there a lot. i told her what went on between us. i prayed about it, and talked about it in group and someone told me that there comes a time when we have to let our kids know the truth. so that evening she came to me and asked me why i shut down my facebook, if it was because of her dad and i said 'yes baby it is because of your dad.' and she said 'i am sorry you hate him so much.' and i turned to her and said very gently ' honey i don't hate him, i am terrified of him. he was very abusive, very abusive to me.' she said she remembered me being in the hospital, and i told her if she remembered me in the hospital it wasn't because of her dad, it was because i was sick. i never, ever went to the hospital over what he did to me. though i should have.

so i told her about the day i got mud on the carpet, every detail, what we were doing, i remember it well, and about how he was so angry he bit my eye. i still have a scar. i told her of the day when he got angry at her beagle puppy for chewing up the tile in his dads house we were staying in, about her crying because she thought daddy was killing her puppy and how i tried to stop him when i walked in the bathroom to find him pulling the dogs teeth out of her head. i told her how he hit me and drug me to the bed, how he took a baseball bat and proceeded to beat me until i passed out, i still can't lay in bed at night, i have osteo arthritis in my back from that night. i told her how many times i tried to run away from him, it took 5 years to escape. he followed, and i got a restraining order and when court came i won, i had a great lawyer who saw me pro bono and he signed off parental rights.

i told her how scared of him i was when the letter came a few years ago and he was looking for me. she cried, and i told her my relationship with him has nothing to do with the relationship she is trying to build with him today. that was 15 years ago. god did i say 15!! man i am getting old.

well she is still her surly self, we got her enrolled in KU we got her fasfa paperwork filled out and now we need to figure out what to get her for graduation. wes's mom wants to buy her a phone, i guess that will be ok since she will need one, still though maybe a nice watch, i have a bulova and absolutely love it, maybe i can find one she would like.

well my bean wants to make muffins for grandma as curious george made some this morning so i am waiting for my sister to bring me some flour as i don't keep flour anymore. i gotta get things set up for the kids to make muffins. hope you all have a wonderful day planned, w are going to the gym, then tailgating to sell avon. it is beautiful out this morning.

todays thought; "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow"- Swedish proverb

flash Fiction Friday- a moment

2011-02-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

Every Friday, or when you find time, write a short story,

poem or prose. 55 words no more no less, then report to the g-man!!

"The falling of leaves turned amber with age

A moment it seems of youth turned a page

The lining of purple turned deep in the sky

A moment so quickly as day passes by

As seasons pass by, nights turn to day

A moment seems brief for

A life that has so much to say"

Here ya go g-man this is dedicated to my daughter, who is four and seems to talk for ever and ever and ever and ever and, oh you get it, i will have to record her 'too cuteness' to show you how amazing she is and how many words she can get out in just one breathe!!

oh how i will miss this, these moments in time that are not going to be here for ever, i know because my oldest stopped talking a long time ago to me. and now she spends most of her time hiding in her room. sulking.

So to the bean, for always having such a cheerful disposition, may you always be happy and may you always know how much your smile means to me!!

One of my favorite quotes today; "Smile, it increases your face value!"- Dolly Parton in Steal Magnolias

sometimes life happens real fast

2011-02-23T07:51:00.000-08:00

its been a while and a lot has happened. first "A" seems to be saying the right things and has tried to mend relationships with both her aunt and Wes. she is fully enrolled in college and will be graduating in May. Therapy has been a trial in patience.

the new health care coverage is a joke. blue cross claims they are a benefit by negotiating 20 cents off the rate of the therapist and that it is fully covered. yes it is fully covered it gets paid directly out of my savings plan that i paid into. after it is depleted i will pay all my medical completely out of pocket until i spend 6000. so i went to the therapists and asked to negotiate with them and pay them cash. i negotiated a 60/40 split as it was last year, they will not file and i will pay cash. this will save me a tremendous amount of money. since i have to pay it anyway why go through a middle man.

we will be filling out fasfa paperwork and trying to contact the national gaurd about "A's" status. We just dropped 600 on housing and tuition so she may get a dorm room.

the service assembly is in 9 days, it was all the buzz last weekend at regionals. not everyone wanted to hear about it they were very close minded and only wanted to focus on the negative. i was very angry at my sponsor for yelling at Wes. i am tired of people treating him badly. i am emotionally drained so much has happened and i don't know how to feel.

oh yeah did i mention "A" found her bio dad on facebook. yeah the same son of a bitch that signed off parental rights so he wouldn't be financially responsible for her. yeah the same prick who used a baseball bat on my back and now i can't sleep in bed at night, yeah the same basterd who loved to choke me until i passed out. the same jackass who sent a letter a couple of years ago begging for my forgiveness and how much he missed me, but never once mentioned her. so then she was angry with me because he wanted me and not her, when i was the one who took his baby away. yeah that guy.

then "A" sends me a note he sent her via facebook, lovely little sight that it is, and he said how he has never stopped loving her, he always loved her and he is so proud of the woman she has become...

puke, what the fu$% does he know about her? why should he be proud when he had nothing to do with her for the last 16 years?!?

so now she is all a glow with excitement because her daddy loves her. her daddy is back in her life. i felt like saying your daddy is the man who paid 54,000 dollars for heart surgery 3 years ago, your daddy is the man who took care of your grandma through stage four lung cancer, your daddy just enrolled you in college.

i am happy

no i'm not

my blood is boiling right now. boiling. and sometimes a problem is not a problem, but a fact, something that just is.

i missed therapy last week for "A" and i went on Monday. I have therapy on Thursday and I need to make sure I am not getting fleeced in charges. i am going to go to the gym and try to get some endorphines, sell some avon and not think about this.

i swear to god if she invites him to her graduation i am going to have a major breakdown. major. i just can't think on it right now it is not healthy it is just scary. and it is all i am thinking about right now.

update, i am still here

2011-02-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

wow where do i begin, my "A" had therapy last week and it must have been rough because she ended up creating such chaos that following weekend i still can't comprehend it. to make a long story short, my niece is sleeping on my couch right now.

my sister does not want my daughter in her home ever again and i have just had a week of extra responsibilities. i have not gone to the gym, posted a blog, touched my steps or been to a meeting. the only thing keeping my sanity is my homework from therapy.

i picked out wedding invitations, found a venue and started a guest list. we have been looking for a car for my niece and trying to figure out how we can get my sister and her to talk, trying to tell my daughter she needs to apologize to my sister and getting all the flack from my sister about how she and her daughter will never have a relationship, how everyone only hurts her and how she hates her daughter.

in the last two days the hotel reached its capacity, we have had 12 registrations come in and shirts from members in India who support this cause, have some in. I have not done a report for the newsletter, we are meeting this weekend, I need to get a friend to come to my house to check on it as two teenage girls will be here and my daughter will not be babysitting my girls for a while, her blowout was that bad.

my niece has been going to these primerica meetings and driving her is draining so i talked with her last night and told her i could not drive her to a place where she was not getting paid, though i commended her efforts to start a business i could take her to the army base but not run my gas tank down on a place that she is going to just be making phone calls. we need to find her a car and she is welcomed to stay here and she needs to talk with her mother.

her mother who lost it completely the other day when we were exchanging kids and almost got into a fist fight with her daughter. it was awful. now i am selling Avon, to get scholarships for my daughter who has yet to talk with us since my last posting about college. seriously at this point if she wants to martyr herself and lose a semester of college because she can't apologize for bad behavior shame on her. i am so angry with her actions right now i can't see straight.

the deadline for housing is still march first and she has said nothing. her dances are coming up and she still has no dress and she is making the decision to cut my sister out of her life. now this sucks. today i am going 'prospecting' with the Avon ladies. not sure what that means, then we are going skating tonight for my nephews birthday, my daughter and niece are not invited, tomorrow double therapy and then to Salina for the weekend.

i am so tired, i think i will start back to the gym next week. i wanted to go today, there is so much going on i am physically and emotionally drained. oh i got the most beautiful pictures of my children in and sent wes's mom flowers for valentines day, i got 2 dozen roses myself and snuck a card into my honeys lunch box. i am going to drink some fresh coffee now and maybe. hopefully catch up on my peeps. if another major catastrophe doesn't happen....

today's thought; "Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts..."
— Robert Fulghum

and for the record, i have not yelled at anyone all week. i have not said one word in anger or had one single emotional breakdown. pretty good for a recovering addict with borderline personality disorder!! i have been a very good and diplomatic mom this week

college blues

2011-02-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

"A"~ 'Wes when do you have time to sit down to go over this stuff? I need your help to do this.'
"Wes"~ 'Help with what? What are you talking about?'
"A"~ 'OH MY GOD MOM THIS IS JUST WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS I JUST WANT TO LEAVE AND MOVE AWAY!!!'

"Mom"~ 'A we talked about this, tell him what you are talking about.'
"A"~ 'HE KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!YOU TOLD HIM THIS WEEKEND!! THIS IS STUPID! I AM NOT STUPID!!'
"Mom"~ 'Are you done? Did you get it all out? Now you need to try again, no running to your room and hiding. We, all three of us, want this for you, quit being the road block. Knock it off. First you need to go over and say I'm sorry I got upset Wes, then you need to say we have a March first deadline for housing at the college and I need your help.'....

This evening was brought to you by the makers of borderline personality disorder and the Teenage Victims of America

needless to say, she never apologized for her little temper tantrum. we went online and looked at housing, my little princess thinks she can get a 'suite' room with a private bathroom. those are for scholarship students. then she was looking at apartments, which are for graduate students and those with families. I tried to tell her it was the dorms and she pitched another little fit.

"A"~'MOM I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT!! I NEED MY OWN BATHROOM. THIS IS STUPID I CAN'T LIVE WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE, HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY HOMEWORK DONE!!'
"Mom"~ 'A it is called communal living. where do you expect to stay, on the streets?'
"A"~ 'I DON'T KNOW MA, THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU GUYS FOR HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!! I CAN'T EVEN FIND WHERE I NEED TO PAY ON THIS STUPID WEBSITE. THIS IS STUPID!!

The following info-mercial has been brought to you by the makers of Prozac; 'do you suffer from general anxiety? do you live with teenage girls? are you out of the little white pill? is your prescription empty and your insurance won't pay for a refill until next month??'
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!! IT'S CALLED THE LITTLE BILLY CLUB!! USE IT ON ANY PROBLEM YOU MAY BE HAVING!! THE END ALL CURE ALL TO YOUR PROBLEMS, ONE GOOD WHACK WITH THIS AND SERENITY IS QUICKLY RESTORED!!" only 29.99 plus shipping and handling...

Billy Mays would be proud.

two of my favorite and most used prayers, they have gotten me out of sticky situations...

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference...'

and

'Lord please put your arms around my shoulders, and your hands over my mouth...'

So by the end of the evening we managed to get the 'house rules' printed off, i suggested to my little girl to read over all the by-laws. she is slowly coming to realize that dorm living will be her best bet. she even had the nerve to say this wasn't about what i wanted this was her college experience. that was when i was trying to lighten the mood and tell her dorm living would be an adventure.

i need my breathing exercises now. i may do some jumping jacks and lunges as we are going to be snowed in today. luckily i already dropped 'A' off at school, maybe they will keep her for a bit. my poor Wes is at his wits end, he feels like a purse and punching bag, all she wants him around for is when she needs money. She just can't bring herself to have some humility, I guess that is a lot to ask of a teenager. So I will call the therapist, the recruiter, and then we will try again.

thank god she knows what college she wants to go to!!!

today's thought; 'If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.'- Julia Sorrel

B-L-I-N-G!!

2011-02-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

not too big, 3/4 carat princess cut

not too small, just like me

cross prong trellis setting

we picked a solitare as he didn't like too many diamonds on the rings with accent diamonds. he wanted to give me something elegant and simple. i can't believe how beautiful this is!! i am so happy. i love the princess cut we have an appointment with the appraisers on wednseday.

now i have the dress, and the ring. time to design my invitations!! have an awesome weekend everyone!!

flash Fiction Friday- beginnings and endings

2011-02-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose

of 55 words, no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!!

"this week has claimed the lives of two who worked so hard to recover

and it has also blessed the lives of two who fell in love with each other.

today it feels like my life is starting and yet so much is ending

how do we begin taking it all in, beginnings and endings?"

Here ya go G-man, my story for this week is bittersweet, i am not sure how to feel. writing it all down seems to help but it still doesn't seem real. i learned today of the passing of two friends in recovery, both died clean. one died just today. and today my honey got on one knee and put a ring on my finger. i am ecstatic and devastated all in one shot. i want to be happy but part of me is not.

i have a meeting tomorrow and i am so grateful to be getting my coin finally. and i am sad that my friends won't be there to see it. is that selfish of me, to be sad because they are not there? is it selfish of me to want to be happy for myself when so many are so sad because these two miracles are gone?

my friend sara, i met her about 3 years ago. she was a sweet lady who was shy at first. then she came to life full of hope and wanted to be of service so much. and she was, and she touched so many women, they will miss her greatly. and my friend randy, he was on facebook with me a lot, he had a heart problem and went to the hospital two days ago, he passed away today, he was a big advocate to newcomers and was always there helping those who couldn't help themselves.

i really liked that about randy, because i do not make myself available to newcomers as much as i should. i am afraid, when we are new to recovery, we are not very good people, i remember thinking 'life sucks' a lot when well basically my whole life, and when i first got here i was a mess. then i found out it wasn't life that sucked, it was me that sucked at life!!

what a change my life is today, i have a beautiful ring on my finger and a wonderful family to show for it and i am mostly happy everyday. i know i have my issues but today i do not suck at life and that makes me a miracle. randy and sara were miracles as well, tonight they are shining down on us trying to show us how to help others be the miracles that they cannot see in themselves. i will miss them both...

today's thought; "The healthiest response to life is joy."- Deepak Chopra

finally got my pictures scanned in!!

2011-01-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

4 years old!! i finally got them together for a photo shoot!!! haley turned 5 the day after these pictures were taken so technically they were both still twins at 4 years old. i only ordered the two poses plus one with all of us, for some reason blogger wouldn't load it. then when i went to pic up my pictures, the lady said they had printed some extras and if i wanted them they would only cost me an additional $20.00!! extortionist!! she was going to throw them away!! look below and tell me if you would let her throw these away!!!

Pictures speak a thousand words, and these sisters are forever.

so we had a wonderful weekend, now we were promised snow and ice, the rest of kansas has been shut down but poor wichita, nothing. no ice, no snow and they were boasting 12 inches last night, yeah right maybe for the rest of the state, but as far as wichita is concerned, forget it. we will be lucky to make a snow ball!! my ring has been ordered and i am waiting very, very impatiently for it. my car was fixed it only cost 100 bucks so we decided to try to get another 10,000 miles out of her and trade her in next year for a new car. we will save for a good down payment and have it paid for in a couple of years. i like the corolla, 35mpg it is cute i told him i want a red or blue one and next year we can get this years model for under 15,000. they start at 19,000 now but they will clearance out all of this years stock to make room for new cars. so exciting the thought of a new car, i don't mind waiting.

today's thought; "Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."- Arthur Rubinstein

my sisters issue with aging

2011-01-26T07:21:00.000-08:00

here is my sister and her husband. today she turns 40 years old. don't tell her that i told you. last night my honey and i went over to her house in the middle of the night and decorated it with banners and streamers and balloons. we put yard signs that read 'over the hill' and balloons said the same thing, we posted a big sign on the back of her car that said candida is 40!! she went outside this morning and was like 'Someone toilet papered my house!!'

she thought it was toilet paper!! i didn't toilet paper her house!! she has no clue who did this and she was mad!! her kids were singing 'mommy's over the hill!! mommys over the hill!!'

so i pranked my sister!! she doesn't read blogs so she won't read this and she still don't know who did it!! her whole neighborhood knows her age!!

'happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to candida!!!!! happy birthday to you!! and many more!!!

he, he, he, he stealth like ningas!!!

some weekend tidbits

2011-01-25T06:50:00.000-08:00

pittsburg and greenbay huh. i was kind of hoping to see the bears make it through. well for sports fans everywhere the big game is quickly upon us and we can only wonder what kind of raunch the commercials will bring!! that is the whole point of the game isn't it? to see the commercials, i mean come on, why would girls be into football, a bunch of men in tights, bent over, touching each other.... hey maybe i will watch the game!!

on to more important stuff, Richard winters passed away, he was the commanding officer of easy company. the one featured in the movie band of brothers. he lead his men into battle on d-day and many other perilous journeys. there was no media, no news clips played on fox news, no interviews like with Larry king. just a quiet service for an American hero. in more popular news jack lalaine passed away. he was an amazing man. if it wasn't for him people would have never believed in exercise!! he started the fitness craze before there was a fitness craze. the first juicer. the one who showed what longevity in life could look like if one took care of themselves. he has changed many lives, but not as many as captain winters.

i speak of death today because my van is sick. it may be time to get a new one. it is a 2001 dodge caravan. 182,000+ miles. the oil light has been coming on for over a week now so we took her in and got the oil change and a tune up done on Saturday. her oil light is still coming on. only when i come to a stop and idle the engine. then when i start to drive it shuts off. not good. may need a new engine in which case will need a new car. while the thought of a new car is attractive to me, my old car has been with me for 8 years. i bought her in '03. at an auction for 5000. her blue book at the time was 11,000. so i got a good deal. i looked last night and saw some 07 Honda's and they wanted like 16000 for them!! i can get a new one for that much!! come on. i don't even want to think about it. this was my mothers car. i have not had anything this long except my oldest daughter. it is sad to me the thought of not being able to fix her. my car that is. i really would like a newer car but not at the expense of losing this one. it has been a great vehicle and gone through my addiction at it's worst and still survived. i brought my two children home from the hospital in this car, been through two sets of infant seats, then car seats and now booster seats. this car drove my mother to the hospital i don't know how many times, and drove me to her funeral as well. it drove me to the spot on the vermilion river where we took and scattered her and my fathers ashes. it was part of the Oregon trail where people used to pay to ferry across the river over a hundred years ago. it took me to my first meeting in recovery.

and i will call the shop and take it in for a diagnostic. it will either be good or bad, most likely because of the age of the car, it will need a new engine. we will decide weather or not to trade it in, we will look at shiny new cars that are pretty and good on gas, we will pick one and this van will be gone. there will be no big deal it is just an old vehicle that has run it's course.

and i will remember, that this was my mothers car. and i will move on, just like with mom. what else is there to do. i guess this is me coming to a surrender and acceptance that the last piece of working memory of my mother is finally coming to an end. i really feel close to her in the car. i feel safe in that car. and in the end, it is just a car.... and i will remember my connection with my mother.

today's thought; "When we are connected to others, we become better people."- Randy Pausch

Flash Fiction Friday- nothing to say

2011-01-21T07:16:00.000-08:00

every Friday write a short story poem or prose

in 55 words, no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!

"sitting here texting with nothing to say

wondering what will happen to light up my day

spending hours pondering on clever lines

reaching and grasping for any sign

maybe today i will write something witty

nothing too crass, overbearing or gritty

one thing to remember for every Friday

g-man always has something good to say"

here you go g-man, can't believe it is Friday already. I almost forgot to post. This weekend i am raising funds for my shindig in March. We are a minority voice and this is a real long shot, but one that i believe is well worth the effort. we are starting a 'grassroots' movement in the fellowship and hope that we can get more members on board every day. if this moves forward, we will have been the forming committee on the first US Fellowship Committee!! some of our members in this movement have over 40 years clean!! Wes was on a call the other night, a conference call and he had the least amount of clean time on the call, and he has 20 years!! There is no US delegate committee or service conference of any kind, if we can get the states united, we can do things like start a national 800 hotline which would save groups thousands of dollars every year!! i am so excited to be a part of this, even with opposition, which scares the crap out of me. so Saturday and Sunday are booked solid, then next week we have birthday meetings, then we have regionals coming and then the shindig and convention after that. somewhere in there i may actually get an engagement ring!! life is non stop busy and fun, this morning my 4 year old washed dishes while my 5 year old made toast for her breakfast. growing up way too fast if you ask me. my oldest still needs a prom dress, her military ball is on valentines day and she needs a gown, we ordered one on formal exchange and the gal just told her she would refund her money as she no longer has the dress!! if anyone has a formal dress around size 14-16, full length let me know. i don't think we will try that site again as it is just like looking at candy in a candy store and being a diabetic!! speaking of that my sugars are still at 6!! i was devastated but i have been to the gym 4 times this week and while i am disappointed that i cannot eat anything yummy, and i am having the worst cravings ever, i am still pushing forward with my diet and exercise. i know that is the best that i can do for myself.

I will stop by this morning with some fresh Uganda coffee to see how everyone fared from this weeks installment of FFF55!!

today's thought; "What is defeat? Nothing but the first step to something better."- Wendell Phillips

this could happen to anyone

2011-01-18T10:51:00.000-08:00

It could happen to any of us...

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and   something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the   kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some  change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone   has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior   citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of   change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said   cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong    with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to   boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I   strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in   front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A   toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with   utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the    ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried   another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.    I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back   seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially   eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to   finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I   felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled   and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to
be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into   the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and   black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming   to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this   point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,   and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young   lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding   up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in
my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like   this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I   was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the   officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I   handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly   sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home..

todays thought: "It is always good when you can find something to laugh about."- me again

ramblings of a clean addict

2011-01-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

hey i got to g-man first tonight?!? where is everybody?

so super busy weekend leads to breakdown on monday. i lost it today had a melt down with wes before he left for work. over losing a dish scrubber!! i just got so overwhelmed and tired and wanted my dish scrubber so i could wash dishes and started yelling and cussing. he ask me why was i yelling and i screamed back 'I DON'T KNOW!!' how does that man put up with me. i went to my room and yelled at him to just go to work and i sat there angry, and alone for a while.

then a few minutes later i went straight to the gym. thank god the girls weren't home. i got done with the gym came home had to shower quickly so i could go to the Hyatt for a meeting. we are having a service conference there in March and we needed to ask some questions about what would or would not be allowed. i don't like that we are at the Hyatt. to me it is not prudent but it is what was decided on as the venue. and guess who's name is on the contract for the room block??? yeah i am a little nervous about sticking my neck out here. this is a very fast moving conference and if i don't meet the 80% which is 24 room nights by the 15th of February it is my butt needing to pay that to the hotel.

i really believe in this project we are working on. i trust in this process, and i feel very alone in my fellowship right now. i can't even talk with my sponsor about this because she is at odds with this service venture. she talks very condescending to me, very mistrusting in what my view on it is. i try to talk to her and just can't stand how she is being. so i called another sister in recovery to discuss this as we share the same sponsor and she does not co sign my b.s. she told me to allow our sponsor time for this to sink in, she said our sponsor is having trouble right now separating me as her sponsee and the way she feels about this project. she also said she is really looking forward to this conference and if i needed to talk to call her. our sponsor would come around.

i am very anxious still. there are so many things swirling in my head and i haven't had a decent nights sleep in about a week. that contributes to my restlessness and moodiness.

i went to the doctor to have my A1C's checked and they left this hideous mark on my arm, worse than any time i shot up dope!! i hate seeing it there it really bothers me. it has been a while since i have felt this restless so i am grateful. i know that my recovery and therapy are doing wonders for me. i strongly apologized to wes tonight. i hate treating him badly, he does not deserve it.

so i am doing the treasury, po box, and registration plus artwork for this event. if it moves forward then it will lead to the creation of a united states service conference that would be historic and monumental. we had a planning meeting yesterday and 8 people showed up to help. today we went to the hyatt and found out more stuff. i got the minutes done from yesterdays meeting and we will meet again on sunday. this deal is set for the first weekend in march so we only have a few weeks but we will have members from all over the united states coming here. so it is really exciting. i am really excited and scared. i really would like to see this move forward in a positive way... but i guess more will be revealed.

thanks for letting me vent a bit, i forgot how much it helps to write this down. again this is the venture that i am standing on my own two feet with. i am standing for my convictions even when those i trust do not necessarily feel the same way. i feel i am doing the right thing for the right reason. my fear is, i have been here before and failed. only on a much smaller scale. so again here is my quote for today..

"May I always be inspired by my failures then by the fears that keep me from trying."-me

Flash Fiction Friday- a moment of silence

2011-01-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

every friday write a short story, poem, prose or

limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report it to the G-man!!!

have you ever sat in silence and listened to angels sing

trusting in your faith so blind and feeling invisible wings

i feel it beating softly behind my ears

this serenity brings me to tears

a moment of silence each night i cherish

one hit is all it will take for all this to perish

here you go g-man i am heading to a meeting tonight, the first one since my birthday. i will get my hug and share a bit of how i did it. the big night will come on the first friday of february when i go and celebrate with two other women in the program. they also celebrate 6 years in the month of january they are my clean time buddies. it is a special thing to have them in my life today. my favorite sound is that moment of silence, we take at every meeting, to pray, to hope, to listen, to ask. that moment of silence got me in the rooms and saved my life. it is that moment where anything is possible. remember that feeling? that time when you felt like the world was out there and you could do anything? i feel that today and everyday as i learn to stand in my own truth, it is not easy, it is scary but it feels good. different. and good. if i am restless tonight i will stop by and check out all the players, if not i will stop by during coffee in the morning.

Must READ IMPORTANT DATA from TSA AIRPORT SCREENING

2011-01-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

important message, the following has been collected from some reluctant airline passengers since the new screening laws went into effect. remember this is all ACCURATE information that the Taliban doesn't want you to know. REMEMBER this the next time you make travel arrangements by plane!! REMEMBER only you can prevent forest fires.

the following is year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security. Here are their "discoveries".

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blonde's 3

Now that you see the proof, for yourself, that homeland security works. it raises the awareness that there are 3 times as many enlarged prostate cases as there are hernias. men, get yourself checked out. and if you are too scared to go to the doctor, go to Aruba. book a flight, the Department of Homeland Security is looking out for YOU!!

I guess September was a great awareness campaign after all!! we are looking at our second 'snow day' in a row here, and i don't know why. not much on the ground but they say it is going to get cold. i have 3 little girls playing in the room together and my honey went to bed and i have laundry to put away and newsletters to pack to ship. i have been so busy with this new service project that i haven't had time for much else. i am getting real anxious for my ring. i can't wait to see it on my hand.

for today's thought; "Fearlessness is not he absence of fear. It is the mastery of fear. It's about getting up one more time than we fall down."- Arianna Huffington

january 8, 2011

2011-01-08T18:01:00.001-08:00

a lot of historic things happened on january 8.

1. elvis presley, the King of Rock and Roll was born.
2. we held the first planning meeting for an historic event for my national fellowship today
3. i got clean 6 years ago today.

simply grateful, for everything...

flash Fiction Friday- our moments, again

2011-01-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

Flash fiction friday;

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose, of

55 words, no more, no less and then report it to the g-man!!

'today as i watch you sleep soundly in bed

passion fills my heart and swirls in my head

my days are so filled with children crying and house cleaning

sometimes i will wonder, where is the meaning

and each night as we lay together again

my hearts light with relief ready to begin again'

here you go g-man, OK so i am feeling a little corny for today's flash fiction, it is just where i am. isolated from a lot of the world and living with this wonderful family free from chaos and animosity. i am very grateful for my life today. there is a lot of peace here in my heart. thank you to all who have made such a wonderful contribution to me through this blog. i get more from you guys than my real life friends and that is the truth. i think and hope that i will always find time for this blog and stopping by to check on you guys is a must for me in the morning. i am tired from a long day today. the kids were extra whiny and i don't know why but we played outside in the most beautiful January weather i have seen in a long time. and there is snow in our future they say. i guess time will tell. lucky for us we have wonderful coats to get us through the rough weather. so for today's thought;

"To swear off making mistakes is easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas."- Leo Burnett

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-01-03T19:40:00.000-08:00

well i hope everyone survived the holiday weekend. we had very little happen here, i shared my story at an NA meeting and we came home and watched 'Inglorious Basterds' great movie.

now i am troubled, i have money worries and every time i try to talk to wes he gives me cryptic answers. again my solution is to get a part time job. the things on my list are getting an engagement ring. i got the dress and it is fabulous. i tried looking up high yielding savings accounts but the highest out there are only at 1.09 percent which doesn't make much money, these damn primerica people keep telling me that your money will make you a millionaire and i need to put it into these accounts that make a lot of money, but i think those are off in the land of unicorns and princesses. seriously.

so wes tells me he has not saved anything for my ring. i know nothing of our money. i feel like he is afriad to include me as i have had trouble with talking about finances in the past, it is a trigger that makes me feel worthless. so we have therapy today. and that has me worried. i really don't want to hear that we can't afford this, when i think we can. really i do. i am not that in the dark on money and i know i am not spending money, i am scrimping every dime we got. then he says he wants to get a Wii!?!? excuse me, not until i get my ring thank you very much.

and really that is the nut of the wedding, because the cake is being made by a fabulous woman who loves us and is only charging me the cost of supplies for the cake, we still don't know where it is going to be and we may be moving to colorado, which really, really excites me!!

on to other developments, since i started this post this morning we went and bought me a new phone. similar to my daughters old phone but less expensive. now i feel guilty. we had therapy and i feel a lot better about our finances than earlier. wes and i are going to sit down and figure out a monthly budget, i am going to start, well i already do, tracking all my spending. it is easy since all i get are groceries. i went and added up the money spent on christmas and we were under budget. i am proud of that. i feel bad about getting a phone like my daughters. there is nothing i can do about it. my phone needed the speaker phone on to have a conversation so everyone could hear whoever i was talking to. we exchanged it 2 times and it never worked right. so wes tried to get t-mobile to unlock our razor phones and they spent three days giving him the run around then he was on the phone this morning with 3 different people who all told him they were not unlocking the phones. even though they are legally obligated to they won't. and they know nobody is going to go through the trouble of a lawsuit over a phone that is worth less than 30 bucks. that is what it would cost to unlock it by someone else. phone companies suck.

so it is off to bed with me, i am tired, long day. i guess that leaves me with today's thought or a few words of advise when chasing down green unicorns in the land of princesses;
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."- author unknown

Flash Fiction Friday- Last one of the year!!

2010-12-31T13:07:00.000-08:00

Flash Fiction Friday; Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose

of 55 words, no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!!

"this is the last day of 2010

very anti-climatic for being the end

the new year is coming so hold on tight

just trust in the end it will all be alright

we've all suffered sorrows and shared our good times

let's hang in there together with this blogger, our favorite pastime!!!

Happy 2011!!!"

Here ya go G-man!! I slipped one in a little bit late, but still in time!! Have a Kick Ass new year!!

finding the reason for the season

2010-12-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

here are wes and the bean at a santa night, their second one of the season. we go every year to century two's night with santa and the same santa does the pictures with the girls the last two years. this year the girls decided to give santa a christmas card.

when we saw the second santa gillian was upset, she put her little fists on her hips and looked up at me and very seriously said to me 'mommy, that is NOT santa.' she pays attention to detail. in the first picture that IS the real santa, in the second, it is an imposter.

oh, well on to bigger things.. the Double Birthday Party!!!

here haley is trying to get the bean to smile...

ah it only lasts a moment she keeps sticking her tongue out. i think she is the only child who, when you go to kiss her you have to say 'no tongue gillian.'

here is the big cake. i thought hey let's get an ice cream cake should be easier than cake and ice cream, yeah right. i left my honey in charge of searching this out, at one point he actually said why can't we just get an ice cream pie. i thought i was going to lose it, i could have made the cake myself if he didn't want to get it... he got it!! yay

here we are making cookies for santa, at my sisters house. it gets messy...

here are the girls at the assembly line frosting and decorating the cookies. someone took the lid off the sprinkles at one point and gillian made a mountain of sprinkles on top of the cookies.

my nephew, he was so serious. later there was a frosting fight, my beaters broke that day and i had to go get a new one to make the pies. my nephew ended up rolling out the dough and putting the last few batches in the oven. the kids had so much fun. i was tired.

here they decided they were going to paint themselves with frosting, here is haley with her famous rojo frosted lips, in fact every red cookie was done by miss haley, it's her favorite color. the beans is green. my christmas girls have christmas colors as their favorite colors how appropriate.

here is my nephew trying his skills with my famous, Paula Deen Cookie Mix!!

i just love the sugar cookie recipe and ever since i found it, it is the only one i use for this type of cookie...

here are some of the finished products. in all we had over 144 sugar cookies 268 chocolate chip and an equal amount of butterscotch cookies!! we gave santa the 'hook- up'!! can you see haleys red cookies and the one up in the corner there, the one that looks black, that is the beans cookie with a mountain of sprinkles on it!!

so if you ever wonder about the reason for the season, well for me, this is it, the memories that i have creating all this fun with my girls, and the rest of my family. i can't think of a better feeling in the world right now then the journey through the holiday season. i think i am getting excited for next year already.

i am heading to the gym today. for the first time in a week. i have been quite sick this last week and last night wes had a bit of it as well. hopefully we are done with this viral bug and won't have to worry about it any more. i have not heard from his mother since christmas, i hope she is not feeling like a grinch still, but there is nothing i am worried about.i would have been thrilled to see my kids at the holidays and to get such a lavish gift, she seemed unimpressed with us all. what she shows me is how not to treat my children. then it won't be 25 years before i see them in the same room. i have a lot of empathy for her though because she is all alone and she is a mother and a grandmother and it must be aweful to sit alone in that little apartment day in, day out. her phone hardly rings. and she is dependant on people to bring her things like, groceries and medicine. she has alienated her daughter, whom i have never met, and i just think it is sad that there are four adult children who have a mom, alive and well, and they don't want to be around her. i miss my mom terribly. i guess that leaves me with today's thought;
"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."- William Arthur Ward

life goes on... holiday's or not

2010-12-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

so i had therapy last night with my main therapist and told her about the joint session with 'A' and how bad it went. apparently i wasn't the only one who thought it went bad, because 'A's' therapist called my therapist to tell her how bad it went. the whole situation was silly and it blew up out of proportion. it reminded me of my recent issue with service work, where i wrote an article for my newsletter and now i have a censorship committee that will review the work before it is sent to print. i used the words 'vagina' and 'sex' to discuss predatory behavior. and really someone did not like it. that is what it boils down to. well the other day i was parenting my daughter. my other therapist said to use the word parenting not discipline that would make it easier for me to handle, because i don't want to be a disciplinarian. so when 'A' got home from school on the last day before Christmas break this is what happened

'Mom i just found out i have 2 assignments due today in AP History.' i said

'Well then i guess you better get on it.' so she goes back to her room. a little while later she came to me and said 'Mom i have a 76 in the class without this work.' and i said 'What will you have if you do the work?' she said 'The teacher said it would bring my grade up to a B.' i said then it would be worth trying to get part of it in.' a while later as i was coming by her room she said 'mom i can't figure this out' she was very distressed. she said the answers were supposed to be in the book but they weren't so i said 'Honey i wish i could help you but i just can't. why don't you google howard zinn and the questions this is what happens when you wait till the last minute to try and get your homework done. so you have to think outside the book.'

see 'A' only missed 2 class periods, both times were when she had to do work for JROTC, one was a blood drive and the other was an out of state trip. and these assignments were online so there was no reason for her not to know they were due. she just chose to not look up for any missing assignments, instead she played on facebook. now her teacher was giving her a chance to get her grade up and i simply told her she should try.

then she came to me when i was getting ready for an appointment and said 'Mom this is just too hard i just want to take a C.' and that is when i said 'Well i guess you should also consider weather or not you want to do swimming in the spring because if extra curricular activities are getting in the way of you getting your homework done then you won't be doing any in the spring.' so she huffed off and got her assignment done. so she says. then a little bit later wes came home and she said something to him and went over and grabbed the phone and called her therapist. then she got off the phone and said 'Mom 'T' wants to talk to you tomorrow for a few minutes before my therapy. OK

So i saw my other therapist and told him i thought i was going to get balled out by her therapist for disciplining her. i told him what happened and he said "don't call it 'discipline', it is not 'discipline', it is called 'parenting'." and he assured me it would be fine and that a good therapist would not triangulate a situation between a parent and child. yeah right.

So the session could have gone better, it lasted 2 hours and it was exactly that. 'A' called 'T' to tell on mommy, mommy went in to talk to 'T' and 'T' said at this point we let the kids decide for themselves what kind of grade they choose to get. that if she were in middle school that is where we provide the little push but at 17 it is too late to threaten the kids with discipline if they don't get a good grade in school. i said i wasn't disciplining her i was parenting her. and she said no, and took out her notes, and said you told her if she didn't get her grade up she wouldn't be able to swim in the spring. Uh yeah, i did. that is discipline she said a natural consequence would be a lower grade. no not true if she got low grades in college they would tell her she could not participate in swimming also. it is the right consequence.

so then 'A' was brought in and i felt ganged up on. yeah it didn't go well. i held my ground. i was a little shaken up but the therapist insisted to my daughter that this was not going to be a deal where mommy made her mad, she calls 'T' and 'T' tells mommy 'bad mommy' even though that is exactly what happened.

so then after Christmas 'A' said she needed a prom dress, just like the phone issue i said 'what are you willing to do to earn it.' so finally she goes, 'OK mom make me a list, what can i do to earn money' so with wes and his family there we made up this list, you know like wash out the van; 10 bucks. 3 loads of laundry, wash, dry, fold and put away 8 bucks, wash the blinds 10 bucks. things like that the little nitty gritties that i put off doing. feeling like i was being very lenient with the list i handed it to wes to edit. this was the negotiating part between him and i. so he changed the wash to 5 bucks. and a few other things he lowered the price on. i said 'your such a slave driver.' we were joking, we were laughing. and we handed her this list. she took one look at it and said 'My therapist needs to approve this list.' yeah.

so we told her look you don't have to do any of it if you don't want to. in fact it was a pick and choose list. if she wanted to earn her money doing nothing but laundry then so be it. ah, such is life. bless her heart. and i am not acting out on my behaviors today. this is what it is. she doesn't like that i am feeling better and parenting her.

so i will keep updates on progress. the point is it is not about me. she will be leaving home in may. i won't be there to give her guidance. she will figure it out on her own, the easy way or the hard way. it is up to her. but while she is here, i call the shots.

today's thought; "Many people are living in an emotional jail without recognizing it."- Virginia Satir

post christmas blues...

2010-12-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

well we had a very merry christmas, with grinches and all. a wonderful visit with family and i am sad it is over. the big house that has done lights for years did not shine this year. there was a for sale sign in the yard. wes said they went into foreclosure to pay for the christmas lights!! goof ball. he loves his kindle, i finally got him a gift that is not collecting dust on the shelf!! he totally geeked out over it and the Red Swingline Stapler!! yes the one from office space, if you haven't seen the movie you won't get it and if you have seen the movie and don't get it, don't worry i didn't care for it either, but he works in an office and is a cult follower of that geeky movie and i finally found one!!hey i will add some pictures!!

here are my beautiful flowers my baby gave me for christmas.. made me cry i got the sniffles now

these two picture perfect girls looked fabulous in their little dresses. we went today and got portraits done, tomorrw my haley will be 5. no more fours!! right now they are both 4.

here is what santa left under the tree.. lots of goodies though mom thought she got robbed because her present wasn't under there, i waited until her children got here so they could all give it to her together.

then i let wes decide how to cook the roast beast and well lets just say the house filled up with smoke for a bit!! here is a shot i took of the living room and my camera captured the smoke!!

mom was quite the unexpected grinch all day. of course we gave her a hell of a cold she wasn't feeling good but she could have tried to smile for the camera.

oh look i think she crakced one!! maybe not. the whole afternoon she chose to not speak to anyone, it was strange, now mind you this is the first time all three of her sons were together for a picture in 25 years. seriously my honey in orange on the left then mom and his older brother darryl and his oldest brother ben. she looks frightening here. i wonder what she is thinking...

oh it looks like she is smiling now. i enjoyed the whole thing and wes was upset at his mom's behavior. she had ben take her home as he lives in kansas city. so he set up her tv. chris and darryl stayed through monday and we had a blast the rest of the weekend talking and just enjoying each other. it was awesome.

here is my bean eating home made whipped cream!! and cheesecake!!

here are larry, moe and curly then some of the fun shots trying to get everyone to pose for the camera!!

yeah that puppy is not real he can't be in the picture, but the real one can!!

katie, chris, juliette and darryl

wes, haley me adrianna and the gilly-bean, and her fake dog!!

hope you all were blessed with a wonderful holiday weekend. i know i was!! thanks for sticking around as long as you have, and thanks for caring and being here. hope to read you all in the new year as well. hey guess what my new jeans are a size 10!! can you believe it!!

Merry Christmas Eve!!

2010-12-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everybody!!! It is Christmas eve and guess what?!? I am not cooking!!!! My brother-in- law is here making some real Carne Asada with fresh tortillas and beans!! He is from the state of Oaxaca, in Mexico where the big mudslides were. The village, where his father lives was almost leveled and he just got back from a trip there to see his father and assess the damage.

he is treating us to a Christmas, Oaxacan meal!! In his village the whole community comes together and makes meals and everybody shares their food and everything is free. it is a big community celebration, they break pinatas and sing. they do not have Christmas trees and gifts to give, they celebrate by giving of themselves to each other.

Dinner and gifts, family and fun. cooking and eating.... placing presents under the tree after the kids have gone to bed. stuffing the stockings.. sleeping for a little bit, until the children come to tell us "Santa Came!!"

then more family and fun and celebrating the gift called Life...

Happy Holidays Everyone, i hope you enjoy your holiday as much as i am enjoying mine.

Suzie Q

christmas blues

2010-12-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

this comes every year. i just can't explain it. i feel a bit sad, the season changes and goes so quickly. i have been truly blessed in life. so much so that i have lost friends in the process. i cannot seem to put a finger on what is exactly bothering me.

my sister; her health is poor, she has not been to the doctor since she had a mini stroke last year. she is not taking her insulin and her sleep habits are poor. not to mention her stress is very high, her oldest daughter is living with her and is verbally abusive. she screams and has tantrums and threatens to kill herself. she calls her mother the most horrible names and tells her that she hates her mother. my sister just takes it like a whipping post. their finances are bad, christmas is going to be tight.

she is my matron of honor, so i am pulling her to all these wedding shops and when we first went to look at my dress she was trying on bridesmaid dresses. now she is saying can she just wear pants. she is sad and depressed and i fell like i am adding to her stress, so i don't want to ask her for help. i feel guilty because i have funds and she does not.

a lot of my friends are bad with finances. bad- they shop their emotions away, or eat them away. i don't do that any more. but they don't call me anymore. i am lonely for friends who i can talk to. i hate walking into a room and hearing a friend say 'go on tell me how much wieght you lost so i can be jealous.' so i say '45 pounds thank you for asking.' you know i have worked real hard to lose weight and get my sugars under control. and it is a struggle still, it would just be nice to have some female support you know, not women who feel sorry for themselves saying things like 'i wish i could do that.' i feel like saying 'get off your lazy ass and do it then! stop waiting for a quick fix-it pill and do it.' i want to tell them to stop squandering their money away on pop and cigarrettes. if they stopped spending all their money they would have it for chrsitmas, clothes or to fix their car. or when they are sick they don't go to the doctors because they don't have insurance, so even if i talk about going to the doctors there is this uneasiness. or when they tell me they are diabetic and then eat half a cake at a recovery party and wash it down with pop. what do i say? nothing. when they go out to smoke i yell 'CANCER SUCKS' it just pops out, that one i cannot control. i feel like i am going t owatch all my friends die because they won't take care of themselves.

wes has not had time to go christmas shopping for me. i cannot go for myself, if i do i won't be surprised. i used to love the christmas mornings wondering what i got under the tree. my mother always made sure i had something, i was always so grateful for whatever it was. i miss my mom. i miss my dad.

the guys at the meeting were talking about football last night. i haven't been into the games since my father passed. i used to love watching the games with him, football, boxing, basketball, the olympics, baseball he always loved finding out who was going to be mr. october. or was it september.. i don't remember. does that mean i am forgetting him? i had a dream about him the other night and i introduced him to my girls. he has been gone 7 years this past november. november 15 2003, that is when i lost it, spent the next year in a self induced hell. 2004 was just a blur, i don't remember much. i got clean in january 2005, elvis's birthday was my first day clean. mom was around to see me get my 3 year coin before she passed on january 15. i can hardly believe she will be gone 3 years now and my girls won't remember her, or how much she loved them.

maybe i just miss my family, maybe i am feeling older. scared to die today. you know that is a miracle. me being scared to die. there was a time where i welcomed it, dared it to come. i used to think how peaceful it would be to just slip away, close my eyes and disappear. today i am so busy with life, i don't want it to ever end. i want to always hold my girls and love them and kiss them. i want to always have wes with me. there is a lump in my throat and i am happy, scared and sad at the same time.

there was a time when i did not feel anything. i am happy for these feelings, they are mine. i will hold on to them for a minute or so more, then i will go and try to find someone to talk to. and then let the ones that make me feel bad go. i am not afraid of my feelings today. they are just feelings.

i got my wedding dress and it is beautiful. it is the most beautiful thing i have ever owned. it was one of my favorites online and normal price was $649, i got it for $298, the beadwork is beautiful and it goes in a V shape down the back of the train. it laces down the back and is strapless. it is so pretty. i want my bridesmaids to have matching dresses with all of them wearing the same dress, full length the only difference, my matron of honor, she will wear a shrug as she feels her arms are too big. no decisions on flowers or colors yet. trying to find some dresses that my matron of honor can afford, i will have to wait until after the holidays. she is in a real funk and i hope she comes out of it soon. it makes me feel funky too.

today's thought; "The rose and the thorn, and sorrow and gladness are linked together."- Saadi

there's a little grinch in everyone...

2010-12-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

The Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this. I think people don't want to believe that Santa can get cranky too... So for all my little grinches out there, it's OK, Santa gets grinchy too!!

So sorry I haven't posted I am heading out to get my Mother in Law in Topeka, Gillian is now 4 years old!! I have two four year olds in the house!! Everyone is coming for Christmas and my m.i.l. is going to be so surprised!! i have a few last minute gifts to get and oh, my dress for the wedding. i am so disappointed. the dress was only 298!! and then the undergarments were another 100. OK so then they wanted to do some hem and bustle alterations, well when i talked with the guy and asked him how much, i honestly thought like 30- 50 bucks, he said 250!! WTF!!! I just felt so heartbroken wondering, do alterations really cost that much? So i called the other shops in town and found out that hems on a wedding dress start at 30 dollars and bustles run about 30-50. So i am going to the other bridal shop in town and if they have a dress i like for under 300, i am going to cancel my layaway order and let them have the 40 dollar cancellation fee. i just feel like that was very underhanded not to say what they charge for alterations in the first place. i mean my sister, who has less money then i do, she will need a dress and alterations and her dress was only 100 and then the alterations would be 250? that is outrageous, she can't afford that. neither can my two bridesmaids.

anyways i loved this little story about the angel, it makes me giggle and i hope it makes you giggle too!! we are going to see some great Christmas displays and hopefully i can get some picture up. i am going to take my girls in to take their 4 year pictures while they are both 4 years old, Haley will be 5 on the 28th so i have just about 2 weeks.

today's thought "Life is a fast ride, my suggestion is to get in, hold on, and enjoy the ride."- me

flash fiction friday and a little christmas spirit

2010-12-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

today is a double post first a Christmas story that always makes me smile, then a flash fiction Friday, which I haven't done in quite sometime so I am a bit out of practice. however lets start with what Christmas is all about....
You can scroll down to the Flash fiction Friday if you would like!!

Better bundle up; the goosebumps will freeze you!! I think I need to read this every year at Christmas.

"Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not from receiving.

It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was 15 years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn't been enough money to buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason, I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the bible. After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn't in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But pa didn't get the Bible, instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn't figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn't worry about it long though, I was too busy wallowing in self pity. Soon pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. "Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold out tonight." I was really upset then. Not only wasn't I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that i could see. We already done all the chores, and i couldn't think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this. But I knew pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet when told to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens. Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn't know what....

Outside I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load. Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy. When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the high sideboards," he said. "Here, help me." The high sideboards! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.

After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood- the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all fall sawing into blocks and splitting. What was he doing? Finally I said something. "Pa", I asked, "what are you doing?" "You been by the widow Jensens's lately?" he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I'd been by, but so what? "Yeah," I said, "Why?"

"I rode by just today," Pa said. "Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They're out of wood, Matt." That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait. When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. "What's in the little sack?" I asked. "Shoes, they're out of shoes. Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little candy."

We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn't have much by worldly standards. Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn't have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy? Really, why was he doing any of this? Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn't have been our concern.

We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible, then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?" "Lucas Miles, Ma'am, and my son, Matt, could we come in for a bit?" Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.

"We brought you a few things, Ma'am," Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it. She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children- sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last. I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out. "We brought you a load of wood too, Ma'am," Pa said. He turned to me and said, "Matt, go bring in enough to last a while. Let's get that fire up to size and heat this place up." I wasn't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too. In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart swelled within me and a joy that I'd never known before, filled my soul. I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.

I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn't crossed her face for a long time. She finally turned to us. "god bless you," she said. "I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us."

In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again. I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others. This list seemed endless as I thought on it.

Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the sizes right. Tears were running down Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn't want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.

At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, "The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The Turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We'll be by to get you about eleven. It'll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here, hasn't been little for quite a spell." I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away.

Widow Jensen nodded and said, "Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say, May the Lord bless you, I know for certain that He will."

Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn't even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, "Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn't quite have enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that, but on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do. Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand."

I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on Widow Jensen's face and the radiant smiles of her three children.

For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered, and remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life."

I just love Christmas and remembering why we celebrate, I hope you enjoyed this message and now for a flash fiction Friday!!! Every Friday, or Thursday night, write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words, no more, no less and then report it to the G-man!!!!

"Christmas cards are in the mail- check

Dinner planned and guests invited- check

Pictures with Santa, the big guy,- check

Tree trimmed and lights on the house- check

Stockings hung up for Santa to fill,

Presents wrapped and ready to go,

Shoot it looks like I will be up all night on Christmas eve again!!"

Here you go G-man, OK i am out of practice i can barely count to 55 anymore!! i am going to try on wedding dresses tomorrow and and i just found a ton of things i need to do for Christmas still!! Can you believe it is in a few weeks!! My sisters Christmas party is this weekend, my "A" is taking her ACT on Saturday again, next Wednesday the bean turns 4 and the double b-day party is on the 18th, mom is coming the 17th. oh and she just called and told me her TV is going out!! go figure!! i told her when she comes for Christmas we would take her shopping for a new one!! God i hope she don't buy one!! but hey, did i call that or what?!? I love this time of year!! i hope to stop by later tonight or in the morning to check on the Friday players!!!

Today's thought;"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for."

- Epicurus

2010-12-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

could not sleep again last night. my baby came out and laid with me. she is such a cuddle bug. i give up going to the gym today. my little one keeps taking her clothes off, she does not want to go so i will surrender today. i have therapy tonight and then i am hitting a meeting.

i am struggling today. my "A" got an expensive phone for her birthday not two months ago, then on her trip this last weekend a girl in her squad was angry at her so she retaliated by tossing the phone in the toilet. there is nothing i can do to fix this. "A" does not have the $150 to replace the phone. neither do we. she was told no electronics were allowed on the trip by the school officials. all students were told this, yet they all still take them. so i did sign her up for a Christmas wish on the radio station. i know there are much more needier kids out there. i just am heartbroken as much as she is about her phone being gone. she did not have insurance on the phone it is a pre-paid monthly phone and we had an agreement that if she does all her chores and keeps her grades up we would give her 25 each month towards her phone bill and she would pay the other half out of her babysitting funds. so she did that just this month and now no phone. she will be graduating this year and heading to basic training in May. then on to jobs training and college. i feel her accomplishments should merit something. yet i cannot afford another phone. if her Christmas wish does not come true then she will simply have to wait until her first paycheck from the national guard so that she can get another phone. her babysitting money is paying for future school trips right now so she won't be able to use that. we did go and get cap and gown pictures done, and she is really getting things moving forward for her life. i am sad and proud at the same time.

i think i will make some chili now it is cold out and i have a great recipe with black soy beans and it is low glycemic!! the hard part about staying home is staying out of the fridge!!
my honey has a couple of gifts from Santa being delivered today, i am excited i need to start wrapping some of this loot!! i would love to be surprised with a ring under the tree, but i know we are waiting for February.

i am excited about the meeting i am going to tonight. i need to get started on my newsletter. i did not get fired from that service position, however they did issue me a censorship committee. so i am procrastinating this part of service as i am a little bit hurt because of the whole situation. i even read to them the positive comments i received about my article and those members who do not go to service committees do have a voice and that is who i write for. the only thing i regret about the committee meeting is that the actual article in question was not read out loud. other then that i did not get upset or even hot under the collar. i felt ok and that is new for me. i live a pretty good life today. i have been a bit disconnected from my recovery and that does bother me. i KNOW where i came from and i know what i need to do to continue this path of recovery, so tonight, a meeting.

for today's thought; "I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." - Stephen Fry

alone again

2010-12-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

so here i sit alone in front of this computer, my honey in KC and he won't be back for a week. i could not sleep well last night. co-dependant. i need to get to the gym this morning. i will be going to a meeting though i don't know where.

plans for the wedding are moving forward. i have found some gorgeous dresses online now i need to go in and try some on so i can see if i like them. my brother has left town, he spent the last couple of weeks in the hospital and now he is on a huge pity pot and i really have a lot of compassion for him but it sucks that there really is nothing i can do to help him. he cannot stay here. we are trying, still, to sell this place. he has worse behavioral problems than i do. i see the rage and anger in him, it is all he can hold on to. i know that feeling all too well. probably why i feel so much for him. it made me sad because we were having such a good time planning thanksgiving together, he was normal for about 2 weeks then he just spiralled out of control. he created such madness in his reality and he let it go on for days. when i had my moments of madness it only lasted a few hours thank god. i see his madness and recognise it. and no one else does, except for Wes. i am grateful for my therapy. i am grateful for my recovery. i have not acted out in my behaviors in quite sometime, not that i am not capable of doing so again, but today i am in a real safe place. i wish my brother could find such a place.

Christmas is coming and my house is full of cheer!! my children are going to see Santa on Wednesday. my Haley has one request from Santa this year. a real puppy. she says but mom i am ready for a real puppy i want a bowl to feed him and a leash to walk him. i told Wes that it was very important to her and when we do get one, it won't be this year, but when we do it will be a Christmas present. maybe if we are moved and settled in a bigger place next year would be better. so hopefully she won't be too disappointed this year. the bean of course wants a green unicorn!!! we are getting her a unicorn and putting a green scarf around it.

being on the hunt for a unicorn for Christmas really puts the season into perspective for me. family is so important and my little girls giggling down the hall is the most beautiful sound i know. Haley was running up and down the hall laughing the other night. just laughing. i told Wes that i never did that in my house, i was not happy. i am so grateful my children are happy, they want for nothing and love the simple things like puppies and unicorns. they love wearing princess dresses and playing together, i never had that when i was little, we all seemed to hate each other we were so jealous of each other.

so while half my heart is in Kansas City, i will fill out Christmas cards and go to the gym and hold down the fort. today's thought; "Life is lived forward, but understood backwards."- Bob B.

just a quickie

2010-12-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

so we went to a dinner party tonight and i really wanted to eat everything!! i didn't though but it was painful. so many carbs and i didn't have any. then today i got angry at my Haley shortly after my earlier post. i was really angry, and i sent her to her room. i got mad at myself for feeling that way, but i didn't act on it. then i called my sister to come help me. she did.

it is hard to stop doing something that feels so normal to do. i spent part of the day crying and i realized that i am upset about "A". she will be leaving soon. to start her life. she will be moving away and she won't be here any more. it will be so strange to not have her come home everyday. she will be out of state for 10 weeks for basic then about 20 weeks for job training. she will start college in Lawrence after that. we are still here in Wichita which is about 3 hours away. we want to move but you know how that is all going. we are looking at Topeka and that is still an hour away from her. i feel a loss. then at dinner tonight i was reminded by a good friend of mine, that at least she will still be here. i can still call her. my friend spent the day crying too. i felt so selfish at that moment. today marks the 6 month anniversary of her oldest child's death. i cannot believe it has been so long. i cannot believe i feel a loss. i feel fear that something will happen to her out there too. and i have my little ones here to love and play with.

this strange range of emotions that are coming out and for the first time i am really observing them. yes i got angry today, but Haley just saw me tell her to go to her room. then her aunt came over and i went to the store myself, without my girls. and part of me felt like a bad mother to need a break. my children need the outings too. my thoughts are all over the map right now. Wes is leaving on Sunday for a week, i have an Avon party scheduled so that will be lots of fun!! I don't know if i have enough room though!! i got 12 gals coming to my little bitty house!! maybe some will forget to show up!! well i do have bean bags!!

i just needed to get my thoughts out. i missed a meeting tonight because i wanted to spend time with Wes before he leaves. i hate it when he is gone. i love him so much.

my brother is gone towards Colorado. i won't be seeing him for the rest of the holidays he said. his life is a shambles and he is on one big pity pot right now. and i can't fix it. but it is my girls bedtime. so i must sign off for the night.

may you all have a wonderful weekend, i think of you guys often i will stop by in the morning and try to catch up a bit. thank you for sticking around, i appreciate my online buddies so much!!

has it really been 3 weeks?!?!

2010-12-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

wow where does the time go!? seriously so my online journal update is as follows;

black Friday was amazing!! we got mom the tv and she is going to be shocked!! my "A" got a beautiful new 3/4 length coat and some clothes. the lines were long but in my town at least people were very friendly. i had a lot of fun with my sister and was disappointed to hear all the drama that went around at other sales around the country. Americans are a very selfish bunch.

so "A" went to the KU campus visit and it went well she scored extremely well on her asfabs and is now strongly considering the Army National Guard and ROTC for her future. College will be paid for!!! She had a recruit come by just last night and they cleared a lot of the fog and we are now moving forward for her!! She bombed on her first ACT so she is taking it again next week and has applied for KU.

My tree is up and it looks fabulous!! Thanksgiving came and it went and i am glad it is over. My baby brother had a major meltdown and was in the hospital for over a week. I had lamb on the menu and he knows how to cook it, but since he was on the hospital I did the best I could and it was very, very mediocre. So for Christmas we will probably have prime rib. BEEF, it's what's for dinner!!

my little ones have a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, my garden has completely come down. duh, I have a wonderful set of icicle lights up and some happy snowmen out in the yard and it is very festive!! I am so excited about Christmas!!

The wedding is set for February 11, 2012. That will give us a year to budget everything and I will have my ring this February!! We are saving the extra money for it so we don't go into what we already have saved. I am shopping for dresses now and I still have 30 pounds to lose but I am confidant that i can do it.

I need to get to the gym now I have a huge honey do list today and i am hungry, back on my diet, I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any in a couple of months. So i am restricting my intake a bit.

today's thought; "Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but look around in awareness."- James Thurber

hello again

2010-11-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

gosh it's been a while since i have been on here. my "A" was inducted into the national honor society. my sisters family still has chaos reigning in her life daily, my brother slept on my couch last night as he fought with his significant other and i ended up checking him in at the er. he thought they were going to keep him and sounded disappointed when they decided to let him go. he has heart and many other issues at 33 years old. so i thought he should just camp out and let the dust settle before going home to more arguing. i don't care if he stays or goes with whoever he chooses, it is not my fight, my only concern was to give his heart a rest last night.

it is raining today. i am heading to the gym in a bit a little late to do so but still i need to. i have my Christmas list almost ready and the boys are going in on a new television for wes's mother. if she doesn't get completely shell shocked, nothing will get to her!! she is going to be so amazingly surprised. her current model is a box job about 19 inches and it has this big magnifying glass connected on the front of it so she can see it. she needs an upgrade and her boys are going to give her one!! so i will be off in the mad dash of black Friday this year and i haven't done so in about 9 years. the last time i did so was when Walmart had some TVs for 50 bucks it was right before all the flat screens started coming out. we stood in line for hours but it was all in good fun. and i am willing to do so again for a good cause!!

i went to Micheal's yesterday, we were going to school and no one told me that my girls class was closed due to the veterans day. so we went to Micheal's and got some Christmas ornaments instead. it was such fun to see their little eyes light up at all the wonderful Christmas displays. i want to start decorating now except my family tells me i must wait until after thanksgiving. such spoil sports i tell ya. i just love this time of year.

we are still on schedule to go ring sizing and shopping this Saturday!! we have decided to get married on our original anniversary, so it won't be this year but it will be on February 11. i told him that way we only have one date to remember. he agreed it was a good idea. i am going to contact my uncle in California, my fathers brother and see if he will come to walk me down the aisle. my sister thinks he will be honored. i can hardly believe i am talking wedding plans!! it will be at least a year out if not two. we need to have the funds and we need to plan correctly, and we need to lose a bit more weight!! i want to look pretty in whatever i am wearing...

i haven't posted a flash fiction in two weeks, i feel so out of touch i need to catch up on everyone. my therapist told me a while back to do the opposite of anger when i get angry. last night i got angry at both Wes and "A". so i made dinner and brought Wes to the table with his plate ready to go and i hugged my daughter and told her how pretty she looked and it worked. i wasn't angry. well at least for this time it worked i have no delusions of grandeur that this will happen each time as it took effort for me to actually try to be kind when i was feeling mad. however, it DID WORK. it was very tangible and i hope to hold onto it.

so i am off again to live more life today, hopefully more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. for today's thought; "Have the courage to live; anyone can die."- Robert Cody

emotional

2010-11-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

i am angry today. i cannot shake this. my children deserve better. i am yelling. i am disappointed i am obsessing about situations i cannot change or control. i feel very alone and isolated.

we went to the birthday meeting at a group we attend regularly. i asked a member who i thought was a friend to give wes his coin. first when i talked to him he said why would i not give it to him. have you ever heard of a girlfriend giving a man his clean time coin? then he agreed to do so and when we got to the meeting he asked me to have someone else give him his coin.

then when i was talking with his wife later, another supposed friend, she said 'i have something to tell you don't judge.' then she told me her son was going to propose to his girlfriend. so now what i am judgemental?!? why what did i do to make them think i would judge.

then we had our children at this meeting and a member who is supposed to have 25 years clean got outrageously angry and started cussing like he was going to hit someone and the friend that i was talking to, the one who said don't judge, started screaming and cussing at him, she had my haley in her arms, so i grabbed my kids and ran out of the meeting. we left and i don't want to go to a place run by chaos and insanity. so i guess that makes me judgemental. fine, my children will not be in that place again.

the group business meeting is this weekend and i need to turn in my key, the hispanic group closed and that was where we were meeting on the weekdays. then area is the next day and i don't want to go to that. i just don't but i will. and that is what is bothering me. i am afraid and full of self will and i will go, but i will remain anxious and agitated throughout the week until it is over. this is my M.O.

our regional business meetings are the following week and i do not want to go for the first time ever. i am really dreading this. so i had to get it off my chest in a safe venue and i have no safer place then this blog.

thanks for listening

update on life

2010-11-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

i have been so busy i haven't had time to blog or read up on comments. i took my oldest to therapy last week and i think it helped alot. the arguing came to a head and she said she did not want to go to college and wes told her he was not going to allow her to throw away everything she has worked so hard for. they are set to go to the college for a campus visit and they spent several hours together yesterday practicing for the act. she is going to retake the test. i think their visit helped their relationship a bit. they need more time together to get to know each other.

today i am going to do a bit of christmas shopping. yesterday we were going to go size my ring and look but the practice exam was more pressing and those two really needed some good time together. i must admit i was very, very disappointed not to be able to go look at my ring. but my daughter must come first. so maybe we can go next week as the jewelers are closed today.

oh also we are going to go get our Harry Potter tickets today!! eeee i am sooo excited. i need something to be excited about after the dems threw away an election!! very disappointed about that. i was grateful though, that o'donnell did not win, she is a loon!! that is my opinion.

area is next week and i am very, very nervous about it and region is the following week and i have been procrastinating my service work to that. so i will get on that tomorrow. don't want to deal with it now.

i had a talk with "A's" army recruiter. apperantly the first seargant of jrotc talked with her about our conversation. i was as pleasant as i could be and i asked her a lot of questions. the first thing she said was 'i don't know what your daughter has been telling you but i just wanted to let you know i was not misleading your daughter in any way.' whatever. i set an appointment with her to come to visit on the 15th at 6:pm so we can sit and discuss this with her. wes will be here and i will allow him to grill her like a cheeseburger!!! even "A's" therapist told her not to trust a recruiter. so anyway i think we are on the right track now and she does really want to go to college. really and i am excited for her and she is moving forward and putting in effort on her own behalf now.

i really appreciate everything you all do for me. you may not know it but you are truly a wonderful support base. i will continue to blog and continue to check up on everyone when i have more time. right now i have laundry and a shower on my agenda.

today's thought; "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."- Benjamin Direali

just ranting

2010-11-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

ok so now my daughter seems to be self sabotaging every thing she has worked so hard for!! she refuses to ask us for help and i am tired of being the go between with her and Wes. she needs to work with him if she is going to get any of this paperwork done. she has already let the deadline go by for scholarships. and her damn recruiter is a flipping liar!!! i don't even want to see this woman for fear i will rip her head off!! i had to make my own phone calls because everything i ask my daughter she says, i know mom or yes mom i did that. now i find out she has done none of the online things she needs to do. she has not signed up for anything. yesterday we were supposed to go down and take her asfab test for the army and meet with this damn recruiter who has been dodging us since school started. and we had an appointment at 4 o'clock. well my daughter calls me and says thursday will work better for sgt. galloway. excuse me!! for months i have been told that she can only take these stupid asfab tests on the first tuesday of the month, now this lady has the magical power of changing the world!?! wft. i put my foot down and told her we were not meeting her on thursday as "A" has therapy. the lady then tells my daughter that she can go take the test but the people there will not be able to answer my questions, that is total b.s. she just wants my daughter as her recruit she doesn't want anyone else to get her commission!! so i talked with her commanding officer in jrotc and he has not heard of a program that pays $1000 per month plus schooling unless you are an employee and then you have to go to school at night. and none of these people has ever mentioned the army college fund!!

this morning she said she was going to fill out the application for newman university in case she did not get into KU!!! what!? of course she can get into KU she is a kansas resident. she may not get scholarships if she does not apply for them but she can get student loans!! KU is a better university and actually costs less per credit hour then this local privately owned religious college. it is a catholic college and while i really don't have a problem with that my problem is she is self sabotaging everything she worked for. so on my own i found out that she needs to sign up for rotc online, she has not done that, as soon as she does her first Sergeant can put a call in for her. then i found out that the school has set up an asfab on thursday morning before school starts, so i signed her up for that. now i am going to set up a trip to the university so she can get a tour of the campus. i have given her every piece of paper that has come to sign up for all the senior days and she has ignored every one of them!! she said i can't miss school mom, but she can miss to go to these out of town drill meets!! wtf. then she tells us she needs money to go on these out of town drill meets, like 200 bucks i asked her a few months ago what was she willing to do to raise money and she said she didn't have time. well i talked with another mom on the team and she told me all the kids are doing fundraising and earning money to go, her son had to earn money for the lunches that were not covered. so i don't feel bad telling her she needs to earn money to go to these events, if she really wants to go she needs to put in the effort and stop acting like such a victim!!

so i feel really powerless and i cried this morning out of fear that she is letting her dreams pass her by. i cannot coddle her and if i push her in the direction i think she should go she will just dig her heels in. wes says we need to approach it differently that is why he said to set up the time for the school tour and he will take off work and take her there. he hopes if she sees for herself what is in store for her and she talks to the actual professors that she will not be so afraid of moving forward. if she hears what she needs to from someone besides us it might sink in. because when we talk all she hears is 'Wah-WaH WAH" i don't know i hope he is right. i am really struggling with this.

then my sister calls me this morning and tells me she told her son to come over here to take a shower!! WTF!?! when was i going to be involved in this decision?!? i don't want that kid in my house period. i mentioned this in a previous post. pretty sure you got the picture. i finally told her i can't let him today and that was that. she was pissed but oh well. that boy is not my responsibility. she won't let him do anything on his own and i know how hard it is as i am dealing with that struggle myself. so then i called her and told her to have him call an oxford house and gave her the number and she said ok i will call them. wft

sorry about all the cussing i am very upset and blogger keeps jacking up and i will be typing and look up and it quit typing and stopped mid word. so then i have to go back and try to finish my sentence and i keep losing my train of thought. my bumper cars of thought i should say. i am going to the gym now, i am still out of creamer maybe i will stop and pick some up, it is scary to go to the store when i feel this way i can be very compulsive in shopping in this frame of mind. dangerous territory but i really want a cup of coffee with cream.

thanks for letting me share, tomorrow i will make a gratitude list. that will help.

happy halloween!!!

2010-11-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

my little vampire is tooooo cute for words!! she hissed the whole time she posed for these pictures!!

haley didn't sit still for too much make up but still looks ravishing as a purple witch!!

i took some left over ribbon and tied a bow to her hat with the hot glue gun

here she is with my nephews. they bought these costumes and louie, the werewolf came into our house and scared my bean!!

haley is just too cute in this picture she is growing so fast!!

here with green teeth!! we actually had trick or treaters this year and we ran out of treats!!

haley is picking the werewolf's nose!!

vampire is attacking daddy!!

my older nephew setting up to scare me!!

i got a ton more pictures but i need to get to the gym, i missed 4 days last week and i know i have been a terrible blogger as i have not posted or stopped by. i would like to thank carmen for the wonderful book of poetry she sent me and i tell ya it was a wonderful read. there is so much going on and i have to get to the gym and run some errands. i wanted to post these a couple of days ago but could not get blogger up.

ok i hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend we are getting ready for thanksgiving and christmas now!!! yeah i love this time of year.

flash fiction friday- it's that time of year again

2010-10-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words

no more, no less and then report it to the g-man!!

"witches and warlocks, goblins and ghosts

time will see who likes my children the most

the treasure they hunt, the sweets they request

will drop in their buckets if properly dressed

with great expectation they'll go door to door

chanting the phrase they learned years before

TRICK OR TREAT,

GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!!"

here you go g-man i am all ready for the haunting weekend!! we have the wonderful college hill area to go to and i am excited to see all the decorations this year!! my little witch and vampire will be working the beat around 4:30 in beautiful 70 degree weather!! can you believe it is fall?!?!. we have been uber busy i will try to check on everyone tonight as best i can, but the dishes are not done and i still have one more pumpkin to carve!! Haley as a doctors appointment in the morning and it is "A's" 17th birthday tomorrow. i know i have not been a good blogger buddy as i have not checked up on everyone. but i will try to catch up sometime tonight or tomorrow!! have a great holiday i will post pictures next week!!

my first project

2010-10-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

here they are, these first pictures show how i pinned them, i did not get any pictures before the cutting, that was the easy part the directions called for a square the length of your wearer times 2. then you fold it twice and mark your arcs using math ( i used Wes for that part) and then it was just 3 cuts. Red for the vampire Bean...

Purple for my Haley witch!! pinning took a couple of hours for both as this is all new to me. the collar was really hard because i needed to pin the edges inside the bias tape along with the string, without catching the string on the edge.

this was a silken material, which is a bitch to sew because it frays so much!! why didn't anyone tell me!! the edges just come apart after you cut it!!

here is the ribbon i used. it was stiff and i had a real hard time getting it to fold on the trim, i am glad i got the thicker ribbon it gave me room to work with.

here i botched the first cape edge. we spent about an hour undoing the stitch as the other side was clean and this one was not. then i forgot to buy purple thread so you can see the clash in this one.

this shows how much better this side turned out

here is my beautiful bottom seem on the first cape... nice even lines, hey never sewn before and this was on a curve!!

see what i mean about it falling apart!! nice needle work huh

but on the outside this is what it looks like so clean and nice. the kids are so excited

learned my lesson on the second cape and rolled up the bottom edges by hand while i was sewing.

they are still quite uneven but no fray, i like the clean look

i had red thread and this one looks so much more professional. really proud of this one.

here they both are on the bed, i didn't even catch on the string to tie so next step was adding some glow in the dark beads so they won't get pulled through the collar.

my finished vampire cape and my finished witches cape. my first time, i am not a needle virgin anymore.

so what do you think? on to my Christmas stockings!!! hooray!!!

in other news i need a meeting. i am planning my Christmas shopping, i know, i haven't done any yet!! yikes!! shopping is like a drug for me so i need a meeting before i go shopping. i am pretty careful though i have 20 plus people to get gifts for and a budget. i am good at sticking to my budget.

my lovely ex-con nephew came over this morning because he needed a shower. this young man and the future of America is now a felon. i got the call from my sister this morning if they could come over so he could shower. ENABLERS!!!! her husband did not want him at their house. and i don't blame him. i asked my sister are you going to be here? she said yes so i said yes. then i found out along with my sister that since he got out last Friday he spent the weekend high, and with old peccadillo's. i just wanted him out of my house. he had my nieces phone the whole time he was here and when it rang he kept answering it like it was his!!! the little shit needs to go back to jail as far as i am concerned. i know i am a mean auntie but i am also a recovering addict and i know a using addict when i see one and i don't want them in my house near my children period. when he left my house i felt like i needed a shower!! yuck.

don't get me wrong, it was so good to see him when he got here and i was glad to give him a huge hug, but then he opened his mouth. he was demanding of his mother, telling her to get his clothes and where were his socks and where was this, that and the other. he held on to his sisters phone the whole time he was here like it was his. that boy just spent 15 months in jail and the last 4 months in solitaire in hutch prison for hitting a cop and he has zero humility. the whole world is to blame for his problems and everyone owes him. he is exactly like my little brother was a few years ago. for my brother who still has trouble with life, at least now he is taking responsibility for his part in it, it took both my parents dying for him to stop being such a demanding asshole!! he really was self centered and with the crazy home we grew up in i completely understand it. and that means i also understand what is going on with my nephew, and i don't want him over here casing the joint!! ok, ok i will get off my judgemental high horse now. it really sucks that this is the path he is choosing today. i have, do, and will pray for that child, may God knock some sense into him before he gets himself killed!!

i mean ok one more thing, this kid is now a convicted felon. a FELON. why, well let me tell you why, when he turned 17 two years ago he decided to buy some pot. dumb ass. he walked around with it in his hand. like it was LEGAL!!! cops busted him, he had enough on him that they charged him with intent to sell and no tax stamp. felony charges. these were dropped to a mis-demeanor on the grounds that he be on probation and follow some simple rules, like oh i don't know hmm... get a job, have a curfew, don't get high and fail a UA, those of you that are parents of addicts know the drill. well seargant goober decides to hang out with a tough crowd, and goes to a thug house/ crack house where there is a shooting and everybody runs like roaches when the lights come on. the cops come and pick him up because he was a witness to this crime. which was right around the corner from my sisters house. so he is in jail and the cops are asking him who did what and he ain't talking. mean while at my sisters house she is getting threats on her sons life for being a snitch, which he doesn't snitch, tells them nothing. meanwhile he is working under the table at a titty bar till 3 in the morning, the cops are trying to figure out this other crime and know he knows, you know. so they plan a sting and go to my sisters house a few minutes before his curfew to see if he is home. he is not and they bust him at a titty bar for breaking curfew. meanwhile my sister is screaming foul because her baby was only trying to earn a living. yeah, i know. so he is violated and they put him in a half-way house where he gets ANOTHER CHANCE. then he is supposed to look for a job, instead they find out he is spending his days getting booty calls. so they go to talk to him about breaking the rules yet again and what does seargant goober do?!? he hits his probation officer!! STUPID!! so he goes directly to jail. then when they are deciding to give him another chance at not being a felon and just finishing out his time since the first offense did happen when he was a minor, what does he do to help himself now, why he gets into a fight with a prison gaurd!! so he spent the last 4 months of what should have been jail time in the hole!! complete solitaire confinement in a 10x6 room 23 hours a day with one hour a day walking the dog run!!

and what has he learned out of all this??hmm that it is all someone elses fault!! ok so if you can't tell, i need a meeting and thank you for reading my rant today. hope you like my capes, i love um!!!

and i am sooooo grateful that i am me today and my life is not full of chaos, even though sometimes it does knock on my door. i don't have to answer it next time.

weekend update and random thoughts

2010-10-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

ever notice when you change your plans, you remember you forgot something? we are getting ready for my "A's" sweet 17 on friday. we have been planning a dinner party and were hoping wes's mother would be willing to come for a visit and go trick or treating with us this weekend. well mom decided she is not coming. her birthday was two weeks ago and we were going to get her a gift and give it to her here.

so here was my well laid plan, friday night dinner, saturday pumpkin carving and a dance, sunday halloween!!! well i guess now here are the plans friday dinner party, saturday 3 hour drive to topeka gift and grocery shopping for mom and taking her out to eat then 3 hour ride back, sunday halloween. well i was planning to go to this dance that i forgot about. i also intended to make some artwork for it so they could raise funds. now we will have to carve pumpkins on thrusday, my capes are cut and pinned and one is complete, i need to go get some gifts and wrap, call mom and tell her we are coming and figure out how to get my fundraising things to eldorado before friday. they have a meeting tonight but we have therapy, they have a meeting on friday but we have a dinner party.

so now i am rushing to get things done and my sister was going to bring her boys over on saturday. shoot. i forgot!! oh and the girls have school on thursday so that will be a busy day.

well i am enjoying some fresh roasted sumatra and i have a minute i will check on my peeps before heading to the gym. i have been searching for an engagement ring, Wes is going to take me to the jewelers to get sized and find out what a good price for a ring is. they are all over the place and we want something reasonable but nice. my first choice was platinum but that is too expensive. i would like either a setting with side stones and about a 0.4 ct in the middle or a solitaire with a 0.5 ct stone and i would like to spend around 800 preferably for a matching set my first choice was 1,500 and it only had a 1/3 ct center stone but i have found some nicer sized stones in 14ct white gold for much less. another problem is we don't know my ring size, my mother had very large hands and so do i so i will need to go get sized but i think it will be fun. getting some bling bling baby!! by the way i don't have any jewelry so i am really, really, really excited!! i want this more than an ipad!! then an ipad!!

this is something i have wanted my whole life it feels surreal. it will be something i have never even been offered before and i am excited about it. i have 18 pounds left to go to get to my goal weight and even though it is coming off slow it is still coming off. i told wes if i lost the last 20 pounds i will go and buy me a dress. i don't own a dress. he said what do you want to get yourself if you make your goal weight? i had to think about it for about an hour then i thought i never had a dress, i will buy me a dress. something sassy.

i am being requested right now to go get some chocolate milk for my girls who just finished breakfast and they want to watch the cat in the hat. oh my gosh their new favorite show is this weird bbc show called ' shaun the sheep' it is from wallace and gromit, it is a claymation show. i don't think it is cool but i know it is better than barney!! it is against the law in this house to play that purple psychotic dinosaur!!! my children are plenty spoiled. wait till you see the capes. the first one is pretty botched!! you can tell i never sewed before!! but it is cute it has black silk like material with purple silk trim for haley she is going to be a witch and the beans is black with red trim because vampires have red trim!! i am excited about my first real stitch work. yesterday i sewed a pair of linen shorts for "A" that were ripped in the down under and you could not tell they were ripped!! i did great!!
today's thought; "If you never try something different, you will never know what you are truly capable of."- me

flash fiction friday- want some dessert?

2010-10-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

chocolate pudding explosion cake, cream puff loaded with sweet creamy goodness

sisters giggling in sugary delights heads are buzzing with stimulated bliss

the time now is of innocence a child's laugh pure delight

wishing time was not fleeting hoping this bonds them forever friends

wonder how long the sugar buzz will last before the crash!!

here ya go g-man, been having trouble with blogger it won't let me load the 55 sign any more, it also would not let me post last night. this is my babies at lunch yesterday!! their first day of preschool!! we don't qualify for the district pre-k program it is for at risk students only, we are not on welfare, i am not a teen mom srs did not recommend us and we do not have migrant status. however we do not posses an extra 600 per month for tuition either so we can not got to a private pre school. we're stuck in the middle so there is a one day a week program where the girls can go to school. i cannot believe my haley will be 5 years old in december. my how time flies!!

...and that's how the fight started

2010-10-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds "

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

just some humpday funnies i couldn't resist sharing... now for the next episode of survivor!!!

just for today reading

2010-10-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

October 20

Freedom to choose

“Enforced morality lacks the power that comes to us when we choose to live a spiritual life.”

Basic Text, p. 45

––––=––––

In our active addiction, many of us lived our lives by default. We were unwilling or unable to make choices about how we wanted to act, what we preferred to do, or even where we would live. We allowed the drugs or other people to make our most basic decisions for us. Freedom from active addiction means, among other things, the freedom to make those choices for ourselves.

Freedom of choice is a wonderful gift, but it’s also a great responsibility. Choice allows us to find out who we are and what we believe in. However, in exercising it, we’re called on to weigh our own choices and accept the consequences. This leads some of us to seek out someone who will make our choices for us—our sponsor, our home group, our NA friends—just as our disease made our choices for us when we were using. That’s not recovery.

Seeking others’ experience is one thing; abdicating personal responsibility is something else. If we don’t use the gift of freedom we’ve been given, if we refuse to accept the responsibilities that go along with it, we’ll lose that gift and our lives will be diminished. We are responsible for our own recovery and our own choices. Difficult as it may seem, we must make those choices for ourselves and become willing to accept the consequences.

––––=––––

Just for today: I am grateful for the freedom to live as I choose. Today, I will accept responsibility for my recovery, make my own choices, and accept the consequences.

i read this today and it felt good. i am still ok with the consequenses of my actions and the newsletter article i wrote. my sponsor has not responded to me about my thoughts on being fired from my position. maybe she thinks i will be. i will try to detriangulate the situation, but right now i am not so worried about it.

i am deciding on green unicorns and learning to make a cape. today a real estate person is coming to help us decide what needs to be done to sell this house as soon as possible. it has been many years we have talked about selling, i am not getting my hopes up, that just gets old. but i am getting my house tidy for the guy to come in. not much i can do abotu the garage, or the bathroom, both my honey tried on his own to remodel... disasters, both so i am kind of embarrassed to show this, but that is my job as a homemaker.

more will be revealed. today's thought; 'We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.'- the immortal randy pausch

wow the recession has just knocked on my front door

2010-10-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

we had that hail storm a few weeks back and called the insurance agent. after a few weeks there was inspections to the roof and the truck. they both had damage. now on my street there are like 3 different roofing companies right now knocking on all the doors. all the ones that have a roof like mine. apparently they don't make these any more and the guy just now said that because of that one ding and i qualify for a new roof, he would waive my deductible.

my first thought is 'are you a perv?' he was talking to my kids through the open window!! my second thought was 'hey don't you read?' i have a no soliciting sign on my door. then i thought wow he is desperate as i saw three other trucks going down my street stopping at every house and knocking. i do hope he gets some work, it must be humbling to have to ask for work. he did look like a strong man who should not be out of work. but there have been warnings on tv about contractors coming out of the woodwork and we need to watch out for scammers, but this was nuts!!

i am grateful today, we did not get hit by the recession, wes has a job that cannot be outsourced, yet. though we are looking to relocate.

looking for the green unicorn

2010-10-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

well Christmas is right around the corner and my kids are all a buzz with their lists. Haley wants a 'real puppy' and roller skates. we can do the skates. for both her and the bean. my bean wants a Green Unicorn!! i loved unicorns as a kid, but i have never found a green one. green is her signature color. i am looking for a plush green unicorn, hopefully 9-12 inches, big enough to cuddle, she cuddles at night with her dollies.

i love that my biggest dilemma right now is being on the hunt for the Green Unicorn. She says 'mommy Santa bring me a green unicorn!!'

well i have been online and no luck, have not seen any in the stores either. so the search goes on!!

i am grateful today, my search is not for the elusive serenity, or peace, or any of the things i am usually afraid i do not possess. today i am in search of the ever elusive Green Unicorn, and it sounds mystical and magical and it puts a smile on my face. i like being Santa Clause. It is exciting to think of the look on her precious face when she opens her present with a Green Unicorn. It is all she is talking about right now and it makes life fun and the world go round.

So if any potential Santa's out there happen to see a Green Unicorn, please let me know...
what are you in search of today?

my bean loves soft plush dollies, babies and animals, i will have no problem finding her a green frog, or green roller skates, but i think this is her big gift this year. I wish my 16 year old was as easy to shop for oh- no she wants a 300 dollar ipod!! good luck with that!!

well i am off to the gym for today's thought; "Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."- Kevin Arnold

moving along

2010-10-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

so i have had some wonderful support from members of the area who have asked me to return next month. they have told me the person who was angry with me was out of line and showing his ass. they have told me it will be ok and everyone gets mad.

my sponsor has told me that there are several members who are very upset at my article in the last newsletter. she and her husband, who i absolutely adore, have both told me they did not like my article personally and that it was an inappropriate article. they left it at that and i am ok with that. i can agree to disagree without getting angry. i simply do not do well when anger and hostility are thrown at me and i need to work on that.

my sponsor told me that i need to write, journal about my chaos in my life and the things that were blowing up in my head. she actually said that two of the things i needed to write about were my position at the area and my article in the newsletter. she actually thought that my article in the newsletter was part of the chaos in my life. i wrote this article several months ago. i was not lashing out. i lashed out at area to a man who was angry with me. and then i was angry at the members who said he was not out of line. i still think there was nothing wrong with my article i wrote.

however, my sponsor has not told me who is complaining, nor has she directed them to contact me to talk about their issue with my article. instead, she says there will be 'discussion' at the business meeting in November. this is a 'serious' matter and to please remember this is something i can learn from and that i am not a victim. i took that to believe i am going to be fired. why, because i have reread my article over and over again. and i have decided that i would change nothing, nor will i write a retraction. i will stand my ground and if this is so serious then they can either fire me or let it go. Wes thinks i read way too much into her email about it and told me to ask her to quit with the rumor and gossip and have the members who are offended to call me directly. i think because she didn't like the article, she thinks these few people are correct. i also think that because i have shared with her some of my interpersonal issues, the bpd and ptsd therapy, that she is confusing my interpersonal chaos with service work. my position is that service work is the one thing that has given me much of my serenity. i do not do it out of ego and i am constantly checking my motives. constantly. my old sponsor taught me that. i wish i had her to talk to now.

on another note i received an email from a woman i never met before and it was completely unsolicited. she told me she read my article and was proud of it. she told me she would start reading the newsletter if i continued to write. she said the issue i brought up was important and it was not talked about enough.

my article was about sex. there i said it. and it was titled 'let's talk about it'. i wrote it as a retraction to what my sponsor had told me about the previous newsletter where i put some artwork in that, again she said several members were upset about it. they took offense to it. it had a picture of a rooster and a kitten. and it said 'give the newcomers a chance, keep your blank or blank in your pants.' the blanks were where the pictures went. now mind you this was not my original artwork i actually saw it in a meeting hall about an hour north of here. i liked it and made a digital copy. i thought it was cute. i never, NEVER meant to offend anyone. but since there was the innuendo that members were upset i wrote an explanation as to why i liked the artwork and that i thought it was something we need to talk about. our literature tells us that secrets keep us sick yet we will not talk about this one piece of our lives that is so important.

i am also sad today that my Spanish group has closed it's doors after only 6 months. the meeting hall we were in is being auctioned off this Thursday. my gsr cannot continue to be of service and neither can the Saturday meeting leader. you cannot have a group with only one member and no home. i have some money collected from the basket and i don't know what to do with it. i am torn between giving it to the area, region or world. all three of these bodies did come to our aid to try to carry the message to the Spanish community.

so i will go to the gym, clean my home, and work on this stuff my sponsor told me to. only i think she is wrong in thinking my newsletter is part of this chaos that i need to deal with and i am not sure what i think about that. i know she gossips. we are not perfect not one, and it does not mean i think any less of her. i like her very much in fact the fact that i see her character defects only makes me love her more. she is so sweet and it is funny when she makes mistakes. she is such a character. because she handles these mistakes with such grace and humor, she does not deny when she is wrong, she is a real neat gal. i know she can help me through this process. this is the part where i stand my ground. this is the hard part.

today's thought; "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness"- Jean Vanier

flash fiction friday- choices

2010-10-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

every friday write a short story, poem or prose.

then have some fun and report it to the g-man!!!

'needles crunched under his feet

he walked past the large evergreen tree

he could see his breathe in the air as

he looked up into the grey sky

his heart pounded as he looked around

unsure which way to go

paused for a moment, he needed to think

wrong or right, this choice changes everything'

here you go g-man. the choices we make mold the future of our lives and sometimes we need to take a breathe and find out the right way to go. i am at a place in my recovery where i feel the same way. my service work has been my life for 5 years. i am considering stepping away for a while. not sure what the right thing is to do,i stand in my convictions and believe that i did the right thing for the right reasons, there are those that question my actions. i am good with questions as long as they are done in a loving fashion. i am not good with public hangings. i will attack back.service is not about fighting. it is about carrying the message. it is about doing what we can for the still suffering addict.

on another note my sewing machine is fixed!! yeah!! ok so the lower thread has this notch you are supposed to feed the thread through, i did not do that. i knew i was missing something simple. there was no tension. so cool on to cape making and vampires!! bring um on. i love the holidays and i want to focus on that. can't wait to see what everyone else wrote for this friday. i have two wet girls who need to get dressed now and my front yard is all dug up by the city laying new gas lines!! i need to find those headstones to put them in the fresh dirt!! told the kids they were looking for bones!!

today's thought; 'never let the future disturb you. you will meet it if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.'- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus 200A.D.

p.s.; please take the time to sign this petition to get an anti bullying legislation passed to give our children the chance to have an education without living in fear. students have the right to learn, teachers have the right to teach it is our responsibility to make that happen

crossroads

2010-10-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

ever been at a crossroads. a place in your life where a decision will change the course of your life as you know it? I've been here before. it should be familiar as i have crossed this many times not knowing if the direction i choose is the right one. it is an uncomfortable process and yet i cannot sit here and wallow i have to decide to take action for my life. what do i want to do with it. what will give me the most sanity and serenity.

yesterday was especially difficult for me emotionally. it felt like i was completely isolated, like i lost a friend, another friend, and that i was completely worthless. i was highly agitated and emotional. so i called Wes. i was scared. scared i was going to hurt myself. it was making sense to me. so i called Wes and he came home and held me and told me he would take care of me. he told me it was ok to cry. i needed that. and yet i feel so helpless when i cannot contain my emotions. i was so angry at myself. i felt pathetic. i did not want to go to therapy. i went. it is like i am telling on myself when i have to go during troubled mind times. we did not practice any emdr therapy. instead he practiced the dbt therapy. i have a wonderful team of therapists, they are just awesome.

we discussed the varying states of mind and how when i am backed in a corner, and especially by a man, i go on the defence because the way the brain stores memories is by association. and of course it is natural for me to associate a man getting aggressive as a trigger of danger and my mind puts me in fight or flee mode. i told him i am tired of this happening over little things. he said it will take time to work through this to retrain my mind to not associate current events with past events.

he tried to explain to me the concept of the 'wise mind' and i mostly understood it. if you take 2 circles and over lap them you have one side that is the reasonable mind and one side that is the emotional side. in the middle where they intersect there is the wise mind. that is the part that balances reason and emotion. the human mind. i need to work in that zone and think what would the 'wise mind' do. i know what the unreasonable emotional side thinks, and i know how the robotic reasonable mind thinks. today i am not ready to be reasonable. i need to find a middle ground where i can stand up for myself without going crazy and saying mean things. that is a very uncomfortable thought because i am not used to it.

why can't we all just be happy and get along? why does it have to come to this. i mean before the main meeting we were all joking and getting along and having a good time. he could have talked to me anytime. i don't understand this. my therapist says i am still 'smarting' from the confrontation. i love my friend, i don't want to lose her friendship yet her fiance was lobbing bombs at me in the business meeting. and he was the one i told to 'f' himself. and she is my friend and how do i talk to her now. i think i need to wait until my emotional side calms down a little more. i never meant to hurt her or him.

i will not sit here and wallow in my decisions, today i will go to the sewing machine store and figure out how to thread my machine, and i will go to the gym. after i read some blogs first.

today's thought; "Self pity is one of the most dangerous forms of self-centeredness. It fogs our vision."- Kathy S.

on the attack again

2010-10-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

we had a business meeting this weekend, if you want to call it that. it was very poorly ran and it was very disorganized. i had to go to tulsa for this group on saturday and bring back a report on it for sunday. apparently i am not the one for this position. apparently i am stepping on toes and instead of members talking to me directly about their issue with me so that i may, i don't know, apologize or correct them, the members who are upset at me choose to use the business meeting as a form of public hanging.

i am sick of this. sick. and angry. i don't want to work with this service body any more. my sponsor tells me to put my big girl panties on and go back there. for what the next 7 months? to lose my sanity. what ever sanity i have that is.

members who are friends turn into enemies, secret resentments come out sideways. and if there was just a direct question to me during a phone call or break i could have had a chance to fix what ever it was they thought i was doing wrong. instead they wanted to hurt me as much as they could and waited until a business meeting to try to humiliate and bash me. call my service work into question.

one of the workshops this weekend was about the 7th tradition and putting enough money in the basket. i don't carry money on me, i have not had a job in 5 years. i do a tremendous amount of service work instead of putting a dollar or two in the basket. i think it is time to just back off and start putting money in the basket and what ever happens happens. service work is not supposed to be hateful.

the events that followed the tasteless words, mind you most of those tasteless words were my own. after i was under attack verbally by a man i went into ptsd mode and it was not pretty, was pure chaos and anything else that happened was left to the higher power in the room because i quickly gathered my things told the person where to go and left. i said i was done with this, i went home took myself off the phone lines and let go. the area chair called me a few minutes later and asked if i was ok. i said no. he said you lost it didn't you. well yes i lost it. i was under attack. he said he would give me a few days to calm down. so i called my sponsor who told me to go back there next month and show them i am a bigger person.

i don't wan't to. i am humiliated and there are no positive things in my head right now. i think i can go there and tell them if they want to fire me then so be it. if they want me to train my new replacement first i will do that, give him an introduction to the region. other then that i really don't want to finish going for the next 7 months. it actually felt like a weight had been lifted when i thought i was never going back. we have too much we are doing now for this area.

i am so lost right now, no home goup, no area, service has been my life for the last five years and now this. another failure.